N.F.L. 2009 So many questions !

Have the summer months begun to drag on for anyone else ? I love me some baseball but lets be honest this time of year is the worst . Now that August is upon us and training camps have begun it's time start asking the hard questions .

Will Tom Brady's return relocate the Patriots to the top of the AFC ? Can the Steelers repeat ? Will the Cardinals even return to the playoffs ? Just the tip of the N.F.L. iceberg and it's already intriguing . Can the Giants recover from last years playoff disappointment ? Can the young Falcons improve on last years dream season ? Will the Lions win a game ?

These are all big time important issues for the upcoming season . But the X's and O's are just a small part of the N.F.L. experience as we all know . The drama of wins and losses is after all just a side show to the outrageous fragility of a pampered athlete , a commodity the N.F.L. has in abundance . Therefore I have compiled a list of the five most important things to watch for in the upcoming season . I warn you these issues are real and not easy to talk about but I will try and prognosticate as well as I am able .

( 1 ) WHEN WILL T.O. CRY ???? Notice it's question of when and not if . Now we know that Mr. Owens has become a little emotional over the years . Lashing out at veteran QBs . Overloading himself with pills , and crying in post game pressers. I do not however believe that T.O. will burden us with his heartfelt sadness this year . Instead I believe Mr. Owens will find himself in the glorious position of being moved to tears by overwhelming joy . I'm afraid it will go like this .

In a meaningless week 4 match up the 0 - 3 Bills will travel to Miami to square off against a gritty 0 - 3 dolphins squad . In a less than impressive 45 - 21 loss the electrifying Owens will catch his 3rd , 4th , and 5th touchdowns of the year moving him 1 TD past Marcus Allen on the all time list . Despite the 0 - 4 start Mr. Owens will be overcome with joy as he proclaims himself the best running back of all time . Despite the fact that he is still 29 TDs behind Emmit Smith and has never played running back . In a disturbing side bar a distraught Trent Edwards will channel his inner Rob Johnson and completely dissapear from the world as we know it .

( 2 ) HOW WILL TONY ROMO PERFORM IN 2009 WITHOUT JESSICA SIMPSON AT HIS SIDE ??? After compiling the most impressive regular season ever the 16 - 0 Cowboys ( led by MVP ROMO 6375 yds 72 TDs 0 picks ) will be awarded the first ever " NFC BYE " as Ed Werder proclaims ( live from Dallas ) that the Cowboys are NFC champs .

During the unprecedented 4 week playoff bye Tony Romo will refuse to watch game film on any AFC opponent . Instead he devotes the month to constructing a time machine in a successful attempt to return to 1991 and quote " take a run " at a 23 year old Cindy Crawford . ( the pepsi commercial ? ) Oh yeah . After collapsing in the 3rd quarter of the Superbowl due to dehydration Mr. Romo is asked if he's incapable of winning the big one or if he just hasn't done it yet ? To which a benign Romo responds " Who gives a crap ? I just one upped the biggest pimp ever . ME !

( 3 )HOW WILL CHAD OCHOCINCO CELEBRATE HIS FIRST TD ???? Ladies and gentlemen I implore you to put the youngsters to bed . This one is scary . Despite the fact that the 2009 Bengals training camp is overrun with HBO cameramen filming the next installment of Hard Knocks , Chad Ochocinco will be compelled to start a spin off reality show which he calls " Hard-score the Chadoff " in which he competes against an all star cast off himself to win the right to have his own dance performed during his first regular season touchdown celebration . Beating no odds at all Chad Ochocinco wins his own competition and prepares to reap his own benefits in week one .

Unfortunately after week 10 the 0 - 9 Bengals have not yet thrown a TD to any wide receiver . Carson Palmer has scored all of the Bengals offensive touchdowns thus far on 4 truly remarkable red zone scrambles . Wide receiver Chris Johnson speaks out in team meetings believing he is not only guarded by the defense but checked by number 85 himself in an effort to protect the team lead in receiving TDs . ( 0 )

Sadly it only gets worse from here . After becoming mathematically ineligible to make the playoffs Chad Ochocinco predicts a Superbowl run . This year . However upon arriving in Oakland for a week 11 tilt of last place teams a large but not uncivil contingent of Spanish speaking Raider fans gently inform Chad that the words ocho cinco do not even translate to the American number 85 . Realizing that he has changed his name to Chad 8-5 Ochocinco finally looses his cool . The Bengals are forced to forfeit the game and the win is awarded to the Raiders as number 85 can not be removed from his stranglehold on the visiting goalpost . He is heard to be mumbling to the exterior padding " you tell em what we talked about Denzel , you tell em ". Sad , to say the least .

( 4 ) MANNING v. MANNING WHO'S THE MAN ??? The fact that the Colts and Giants are not scheduled to meet on the field this year will have little relevance on the Mannings sibling rivalry . Deadlocked at 1 Superbowl each , only a Superbowl showdown would provide an opportunity to break the tie in 2009 , but as I've already stated the Cowboys will be declared NFC champs sans playoff competition . So forget about all that noise . Likewise Peyton's overwhelming statistical advantage is irrelevant to this conversation .

In the spirit of competition ( and endorsement dollars ) the Mannings decide to call the sport of Oreo licking a draw ( as both men are so overzealous in they're licking they continually break the fragile cookie shell ) and look forward to the next round . After signing a multi billion dollar deal with Jell-O the Mannings embark on a 6 week 10 city Pudding Pop sucking tour . The competition is as disturbing as it is fierce . Both men appear to be accomplished suckers . Everything seems to going well until the week 3 suck off in Des Moines , Iowa . After blowing a 5 pop lead in the waning moments the elder Peyton accuses brother Eli of quote " being a biter " and chaos ensues . The brawl seems to be escalating out of control until an enraged father Archie arrives on the stage and clunks the Mannings heads together . Amazingly young Eli has the where withal to aim a two finger eye poke at dear old dad . The veteran Hall of Famer is unfazed however and quickly throws up an inverted paper sign over his nose easily blocking the attack with his left hand while simultaneously snatching Peyton's wrist and forcing him to slap his own brother . Needless to say Bill Cosby is not impressed by the childrens act and summarily rips up the contract for the remaining contests .

When asked for his opinion on the incident later in the week President Obama is quoted as saying " The previous administration left us with several unresolved issues " to which an upstart journalist pressed him by asking how George W. bush was relevant to the conversation in any way shape or form the President responded thus " the stimulus is working "

( 5 ) WILL COMMISSIONER GOODELL EVER ASSERT HIS POWER OF OFFICE ???? Many NFL fans believe that the shear size of player contracts are skyrocketing out of control . Indeed it seems frivolous when a guy making 3 million dollars demands a raise for catching 38 passes in a season , but what the average fan doesn't know is that NFL players see very little of the contracts they sign . The NFL fines the players for EVERYTHING . Socks to high , socks to low , excessive finger tape , looking sideways at a quarterback , using your space age metal hat as a ram in a brutal attempt to snap a defenseless man's spine , and shooting yourself in the leg . Ticky - Tack fouls , all .

But I digress . The universe watches with rapt attention the decisions of one Mr. Roger Goodell . A.K.A. The Commish , to see if he is able to reign in the ridiculous behavior of his players . Personally I'm afraid to look to closely . Mr. Goodell has already displayed a heavy hand when dealing with the out of liners . Yet the players continue to act out against his authority . A man who has taken a stance like the commish is already far beyond going back . To go easy one time would completely discredit his authority and make him look like he's waffling . I don't get the impression that Mr. Goodell is the kind of man that takes to embarrassment well .

No I believe our new commish has trapped himself in a deadly game of escalating punishments . Soon he will be forced to go far beyond the limits of his authority in an ill fated attempt to maintain his dignity . Worst case scenario ? Roger Goodell no longer has the time to abide by the legal process . When pushed by the players union to grant due process an overly stressed Goodell resorts to bio-enhancement and has his right arm reconfigured into a yellow flag launcher . Not surprisingly the new " penalty flager " has far reaching consequences .

Tiny sacs of plastic beads fired at a high rate of speed become bullets . Soon the military has to be called in to sequester a frantic Goodell , but upon arriving at the top secret NFL headquarters authorities find that Goodell has somehow morphed into a transformer and has assembled a rather large army of referee-bots . At a loss for words the U.S. military is quickly overrun and gunned down by a hail of yellow death sacs .

Sound a little ridiculous ? Maybe , but we all know that the NFL is the biggest sport on earth ( eat that soccer fan ) so if it happened how could we stop it ? We couldn't that's how . We would all to busy watching Brett Favre disassemble behind a podium somewhere to do anything . So the next time you forget to pull both socks up to a matching height , remember the NFL is watching .




this has been a Ragu Rewind