Well first off , considering the fact that the name of my article last week (week 12 ) was "NFL week 13 WTWF", it seemed only fair that I write an article that ACTUALLY had something to do with week 13.
Anyway the big Monday Night Game is over and so is week 13 so lets have a look at where we all stand shall we. I'll start with the AFC.
The Sunday Night-Monday Night schedule must have made his highness the almighty "Commishioner Goodel" and the powers that be froth at the mouth to say the least. Any time you can have the four best teams in a conference play each other on back to back nights it's a big win for the League. Pittsburgh and Baltimore did what they do (kinda) in a dirty little northern division game between 8-3 teams that both thrive on pissing off the commish with their bone jarring hits. And the East division featured it's top two teams battling it out on Monday night.
The Patriots (9-2) absolutely took the Jets (9-2) apart. It was one of the soundest thrashings I have ever seen. For all the smack the Jets talk, and for all the young guys on the Patriot's team, Tom Brady went 21 of 29 for 326 yards with 4 TD's and no picks. Mark Sanchez threw 3 picks and the Pats went on to win 45-3. WOW !
Now as entertaining as those two games were , in effect it was really only a battle for positioning in the playoffs. All 4 teams are basically already in. The two winners, Pitt and New England moved into 1st place , but the two losers still are clearly the AFC front runners for the wild card spots. What should be more important are the other two divisions and their ramifications.
The Chiefs and Jaguars held serve while the Chargers and Colts both lost to inferior teams. Or so we thought. The Colt's loss to the Cowboys has left them on the brink of missing the playoffs, (as I noted recently) like wise the Charger's loss to the Raiders leaves them 2 games back of the Chiefs. Neither one of these teams can hope to get a wild card spot so both need to find a way to win their respective divisions. It's still do-able for both as the Colts have 3 of their last 4 games versus division opponents (1 vs Jacksonville) and the Chargers have 4 winnable games left.
But let me say this about the AFC West , you may not have noticed but the Oakland Raiders are 4-0 in the division , if they somehow catch the Chiefs , and they would have to beat the Broncos and the Chiefs in December , they would hold all the tie breakers by way of that division record. I'm just saying. Check out the AFC playoff scenario with 4 weeks left.
NE------------10-2
PITT----------9-3
KC------------8-4
JACK----------7-5
JETS----------9-3
BALT----------8-4
COLTS---------6-6
RAID----------6-6
SD------------6-6
MIA-----------6-6
ON TO THE NFC
Truth ? This is getting a little weird. Not only are the Falcons and Bears the 1-2 seeds right now, but it's becoming more and more apparent that a team with a really good record is going to left out of the dance by way of the fact that the winner in the West is guaranteed a spot. Much like the winner of the Big East getting a BCS game by default, someone has to win the West in t he NFC. Here is what I mean.
In the NFC, there are currently 6 teams with 8 or more wins and one with 7. None of them reside in the West. No , I'm afraid that the West is currently deadlocked with two 6-6 teams (STL and SEA) fighting for the backdoor into the playoffs. Not to mention a first round home game.
The top two teams in all four NFC divisions won this week.
Eagles,Giants,Bears,Packers,Falcons,Saints,Rams and Seahawks all won this week by varying degrees. The lone exception on this list of playoff worthy teams in the NFC was Tampa Bay. Who lost to Falcons (no shame there) and are still 7-5. But the sad fact of it all is that someone will win the West and take a spot from a more deserving team. And it IS entirely possible that the winner of the West could finish 7-9. Hell, it's conceivable that it could be 6-10. Mathematically only , but still.
Even without that anomaly somebody would still be left out , but because of the West it will be two good teams watching from home this year. Just look at this madness.
Division winners
ATL-------------10-2
CHI-------------9-3
PHILI-----------8-4
STL-------------6-6
WILD CARDERS
NO--------------9-3
GIA-------------8-4
HOPEFULLS
GB--------------8-4
TB--------------7-5
SEA-------------6-6
Green Bay and Tampa could very well be left out , but considering the schedules of all these teams so could the Bears,Eagles, or the Saints. Actually almost anyone BUT the Falcons is at risk the way the schedule ends up this year in the NFC. I rarely give props to the NFL's schedule makers but look at this stupidity. If you like big games , then you will love how the NFC ends this year.
ATL--------------@ CAR, @ SEA, NO , CAR
CHI--------------NE, @ MINN, JETS, @ GB
PHI--------------@ DAL, @ GIA, MINN, DAL
NO---------------STL, @ BALT, @ ATL, TB
GIA--------------@ MINN, PHI, @ GB, @ WASH
GB---------------@ DET, @ NE, GIA, CHI
TB---------------@ WASH, DET, SEA, @ NO
I mean COME ON ! Every single game will be do-or-die! Any one of these teams (good as they are) could loose 3 of 4 easy. This is gonna be the best December in recent history for the NFC.
I've been hearing the word "parody" used to describe the NFL a lot in recent years,I hate that. I've always called it competition. If you don't like this , then you don't like football. Parody , ya right, it's a league full of studs that creates an environment of winners by small margins. Any team can change it's fortunes in a few short years with the right game plan and a little luck.
Don't believe me Buffalo ? Well consider that the Raiders haven't swept the Chargers since 2001. Look closer at the 5-7 Browns. For heaven's sake just draft a freakin Quarterback for once ! You might find that the forward pass is a good thing.
It's the way it should be folks, if your team stinks, just remember that they are not that far away from going 10-6.
POTENTIALLY.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Saturday, November 27, 2010
NFL WEEK 13 - WTWF
There are big games a plenty in the NFL this week, but the one I'm watching may surprise you.
Thanksgiving football was watchable this year for once. The Patriots and Jets both held serve against weaker ( but game ) teams to improve their records to 9-2 setting up a blockbuster match up next Monday night. Keep in mind that the Jets already beat the Pats in week 2 and another victory would essentially put them up 2 full games in the AFC East and give them the front running spot for the number one seed in the AFC this year.
In the NFC the good but not quite as impressive as last year New Orleans Saints escaped a resurgent Dallas team to improve to 8-3 on the year. Good thing too as they are locked in what is arguably the toughest division battle in football. The upstart Tampa Bay Bucs are 7-3 going into a huge game against Ray Lewis and the Ravens (also 7-3) in Baltimore. Winners of two straight the Bucs could go to 8-3 as well and with 2 division games left could make the playoff chase more than a little interesting. Not to mention the NFC South !
On top of that the first place Atlanta Falcons (8-2) have a chance to keep a one game lead on both this week. But only if they can beat the tied for 1st place in the North Green Bay Packers who have now won 4 straight despite a plethora of injuries. So what is essentially a battle of first place teams in the NFC (Pack 7-3 vs Atl 8-2) should prove to be a good one.
Speaking of the NFC, we also have another first place game ( due to the tie in the North ) the super hero esque, Michael Vick led Eagles stroll into Chicago to face the 7-3 Bears. Another potential blockbuster. And if the Giants beat the Jaguars it will only serve to further the gridlock at the top of the NFC. All of those games have huge implications of course but none of them involve the team with the most to loose this week. But first let's recap the big games of week # 13 so far.
Pats,Jets,and Saints win to improve to 9-2,9-2,and 8-3 respectively.
7-3 Packers go to 8-2 Falcons
7-3 Eagles go to 7-3 Bears
7-3 Bucs go to 7-3 Ravens
and if you are a fan of the AFC ( west in particular) 6-4 Kansas City goes to 5-5 Seattle and 5-5 Miami goes to 5-5 Oakland.
Boy this is great right ? Of course it is , but there is one more game to discuss. The most important of the week in my estimation. The Sunday night game. Winners of 3 straight, notorious late starters, and bona fied Colt crushers take their 5-5 record into Indianapolis to face the 6-4 Colts who are more than a little depleted with injuries. The same could also be said for the Chargers though.
Now we all know that the Chargers and Colts have had some epic games over the last ten years. If not for the whole Pats v Colts rivalry this may be the most exiting AFC match up around. The Chargers always seem to have a little something extra for the Colts no matter what the situation. The Chargers may start slow every year but one thing is for sure , Phillip Rivers will have those boys primed and ready come the post season. As for the Colts, they usually start fast and continue that right on in to the post season. But this year is different.
Has anyone realised that if the playoffs started last week that the Colts would have been left out ? Oh yeah , believe it or not the Jags have them beat on the Division record tie breaker right now. They are only 6-5 ! When was the last time the Peyton Manning Colts lost 5 games before December , or in a season you ask ? Well it was in 2002 when they 10-6 and lost in the wild card to the Jets.
As I said earlier the Jets and Pats have already moved to 9-2 in the East. The Steelers ( who look great right now ) and Ravens are both 7-3 and both have games they should win this week. The 6-4 Chiefs look like they are for real this year and the Chargers (5-5) are coming on strong at the right time. The four teams in their own division are only separated by 2 games and the bottom two are Tennessee and Houston ! The Jags are actually above them based on tie breakers.
If the Colts loose to San Diego tomorrow it will leave them at 6-5 with a 1-2 division record and a 4-4 conference record. They could still be tied for the division lead if Jacksonville looses to the Giants but those are not good numbers for a team trying to make the playoffs.
The bright side for Colts fan is this. The Colts remaining games after San Diego tomorrow are Dallas , at the Titans , Jacksonville , at the Raiders and the Titans at home to finish it off. Now those are all games that the Colts could,should, and probably will win. But if they loose to San Diego this week ( and I think they will ) that leaves them at 6-5 with the rejuvenated Cowboys , a freaky weird Raider team , Maurice Jones Drew and Chris Johnson twice , left on the schedule.
Moral of the story ? The Indianapolis Colts had better bring their A game the rest of the year. Because if they drop one or two and don't win the South, they may not make the playoffs at all.
Thanksgiving football was watchable this year for once. The Patriots and Jets both held serve against weaker ( but game ) teams to improve their records to 9-2 setting up a blockbuster match up next Monday night. Keep in mind that the Jets already beat the Pats in week 2 and another victory would essentially put them up 2 full games in the AFC East and give them the front running spot for the number one seed in the AFC this year.
In the NFC the good but not quite as impressive as last year New Orleans Saints escaped a resurgent Dallas team to improve to 8-3 on the year. Good thing too as they are locked in what is arguably the toughest division battle in football. The upstart Tampa Bay Bucs are 7-3 going into a huge game against Ray Lewis and the Ravens (also 7-3) in Baltimore. Winners of two straight the Bucs could go to 8-3 as well and with 2 division games left could make the playoff chase more than a little interesting. Not to mention the NFC South !
On top of that the first place Atlanta Falcons (8-2) have a chance to keep a one game lead on both this week. But only if they can beat the tied for 1st place in the North Green Bay Packers who have now won 4 straight despite a plethora of injuries. So what is essentially a battle of first place teams in the NFC (Pack 7-3 vs Atl 8-2) should prove to be a good one.
Speaking of the NFC, we also have another first place game ( due to the tie in the North ) the super hero esque, Michael Vick led Eagles stroll into Chicago to face the 7-3 Bears. Another potential blockbuster. And if the Giants beat the Jaguars it will only serve to further the gridlock at the top of the NFC. All of those games have huge implications of course but none of them involve the team with the most to loose this week. But first let's recap the big games of week # 13 so far.
Pats,Jets,and Saints win to improve to 9-2,9-2,and 8-3 respectively.
7-3 Packers go to 8-2 Falcons
7-3 Eagles go to 7-3 Bears
7-3 Bucs go to 7-3 Ravens
and if you are a fan of the AFC ( west in particular) 6-4 Kansas City goes to 5-5 Seattle and 5-5 Miami goes to 5-5 Oakland.
Boy this is great right ? Of course it is , but there is one more game to discuss. The most important of the week in my estimation. The Sunday night game. Winners of 3 straight, notorious late starters, and bona fied Colt crushers take their 5-5 record into Indianapolis to face the 6-4 Colts who are more than a little depleted with injuries. The same could also be said for the Chargers though.
Now we all know that the Chargers and Colts have had some epic games over the last ten years. If not for the whole Pats v Colts rivalry this may be the most exiting AFC match up around. The Chargers always seem to have a little something extra for the Colts no matter what the situation. The Chargers may start slow every year but one thing is for sure , Phillip Rivers will have those boys primed and ready come the post season. As for the Colts, they usually start fast and continue that right on in to the post season. But this year is different.
Has anyone realised that if the playoffs started last week that the Colts would have been left out ? Oh yeah , believe it or not the Jags have them beat on the Division record tie breaker right now. They are only 6-5 ! When was the last time the Peyton Manning Colts lost 5 games before December , or in a season you ask ? Well it was in 2002 when they 10-6 and lost in the wild card to the Jets.
As I said earlier the Jets and Pats have already moved to 9-2 in the East. The Steelers ( who look great right now ) and Ravens are both 7-3 and both have games they should win this week. The 6-4 Chiefs look like they are for real this year and the Chargers (5-5) are coming on strong at the right time. The four teams in their own division are only separated by 2 games and the bottom two are Tennessee and Houston ! The Jags are actually above them based on tie breakers.
If the Colts loose to San Diego tomorrow it will leave them at 6-5 with a 1-2 division record and a 4-4 conference record. They could still be tied for the division lead if Jacksonville looses to the Giants but those are not good numbers for a team trying to make the playoffs.
The bright side for Colts fan is this. The Colts remaining games after San Diego tomorrow are Dallas , at the Titans , Jacksonville , at the Raiders and the Titans at home to finish it off. Now those are all games that the Colts could,should, and probably will win. But if they loose to San Diego this week ( and I think they will ) that leaves them at 6-5 with the rejuvenated Cowboys , a freaky weird Raider team , Maurice Jones Drew and Chris Johnson twice , left on the schedule.
Moral of the story ? The Indianapolis Colts had better bring their A game the rest of the year. Because if they drop one or two and don't win the South, they may not make the playoffs at all.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Do or Die Time Minnesota
Boy if you like high pressure football make sure you catch the Green Bay v Minnesota game today.
There are already a ton of reasons to watch this game. Packers-Vikings is a one of the oldest rivalries in football and is always entertaining. You've got the whole Bert Favor saga going on. Does he like Brad Childress? Does he hate him? Are they locked in epic game of monopoly where both men are trapped in jail and trying to roll doubles so they don't have to cough up the 50 clams ? I don't know.
Could this be Favor's last game against the Packers ? Probably, but who knows. There are all kinds of questions to be answered in this game but the one you should be watching for is this.
Can the Green Bay Packers, who are notorious for letting the Vikings get to them, finally put a man sized fork in their most hated rivals? Because if Green Bay wins today it will mean that the Vikings are done. D-O-N-E done.
If they lose today it will drop "Chilly and the Vets" to a rotund 3-7 . Three and seven !! This is a team with a monstrous offensive line , Bert Favor, Adrian Peterson,Percy Harvin,Jarrod Allen, and many more studs all over the field. At 3-7 the Vikings would be 4 games out of first place in the NFC North to not one but two teams ! (Bears are 7-3 some crazy how) Needless to say it will be tough to climb over those two teams with only 6 games left to go. But even if they somehow do that they only have 2 division games left and can only go 3-3 in division at best. This of course means that even if they do catch the Bears and Packers they would still loose the tiebreakers.
So winning the division will be all but mathematically impossible if they loose today. So what about a playoff spot you say ? Well lets look at the good old NFC shall we.
Should Vikings fall to 3-7 that would mean ( even if every game goes there way this week) that they have the 11th best record in the NFC. So that said, they would have 10 teams above them and the top 6 teams , the Bears,Packers,Giants,Eagles,Falcons and Saints all with at 6 wins or more. On top of that there could be 3 more teams tied the Vikes at 3-7 . !!!
With only 6 weeks left the best the Vikings could do would be 9-7. If they somehow turn everything around and win 6 in a row to finish the season I mean. With no shot to win there own division and at least 7 teams with 6 wins already I'm not sure it's even mathematically possible for 9-7 to be good enough to win a playoff spot in NFC this year. You will need at least 10 wins to get a wild card spot this year.
So for a team with all that talent, how does it feel to out of it after only 10 weeks. Your done Minnesota. Maybe trying to ride Green Bay's coat tails and letting one player play by his own set of rules wasn't such a good idea was it ?
By the way , on this same subject. Hey Cincinnati , you just let up 28 unanswered points to the Bills and are about to go to down to 2-8. You went from winning the division last year to 2-8 ( also out of the playoffs) just by signing T.O.
Good job Cinnci.
There are already a ton of reasons to watch this game. Packers-Vikings is a one of the oldest rivalries in football and is always entertaining. You've got the whole Bert Favor saga going on. Does he like Brad Childress? Does he hate him? Are they locked in epic game of monopoly where both men are trapped in jail and trying to roll doubles so they don't have to cough up the 50 clams ? I don't know.
Could this be Favor's last game against the Packers ? Probably, but who knows. There are all kinds of questions to be answered in this game but the one you should be watching for is this.
Can the Green Bay Packers, who are notorious for letting the Vikings get to them, finally put a man sized fork in their most hated rivals? Because if Green Bay wins today it will mean that the Vikings are done. D-O-N-E done.
If they lose today it will drop "Chilly and the Vets" to a rotund 3-7 . Three and seven !! This is a team with a monstrous offensive line , Bert Favor, Adrian Peterson,Percy Harvin,Jarrod Allen, and many more studs all over the field. At 3-7 the Vikings would be 4 games out of first place in the NFC North to not one but two teams ! (Bears are 7-3 some crazy how) Needless to say it will be tough to climb over those two teams with only 6 games left to go. But even if they somehow do that they only have 2 division games left and can only go 3-3 in division at best. This of course means that even if they do catch the Bears and Packers they would still loose the tiebreakers.
So winning the division will be all but mathematically impossible if they loose today. So what about a playoff spot you say ? Well lets look at the good old NFC shall we.
Should Vikings fall to 3-7 that would mean ( even if every game goes there way this week) that they have the 11th best record in the NFC. So that said, they would have 10 teams above them and the top 6 teams , the Bears,Packers,Giants,Eagles,Falcons and Saints all with at 6 wins or more. On top of that there could be 3 more teams tied the Vikes at 3-7 . !!!
With only 6 weeks left the best the Vikings could do would be 9-7. If they somehow turn everything around and win 6 in a row to finish the season I mean. With no shot to win there own division and at least 7 teams with 6 wins already I'm not sure it's even mathematically possible for 9-7 to be good enough to win a playoff spot in NFC this year. You will need at least 10 wins to get a wild card spot this year.
So for a team with all that talent, how does it feel to out of it after only 10 weeks. Your done Minnesota. Maybe trying to ride Green Bay's coat tails and letting one player play by his own set of rules wasn't such a good idea was it ?
By the way , on this same subject. Hey Cincinnati , you just let up 28 unanswered points to the Bills and are about to go to down to 2-8. You went from winning the division last year to 2-8 ( also out of the playoffs) just by signing T.O.
Good job Cinnci.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
NFC PREDICTIONS 2010
OK then . You saw my 2010 predictions for the AFC. So lets get down to the business of the NFC. Like I've said before I am a total football junkie. Which makes me think I know everything , which means I actually know nothing. So at the end of the year you can all clown me for being so far wrong . ..........Or can you ??? We shall see.
NFC EAST
Wow , talk about a freakin meat grinder. The NFC East has long been the source of some truly great rivalry games. Eagles v Skins , Skins v Giants , and Cowboys v all of them. But this year will be even more memorable.
Thanks to the Eagles incomprehensible decision to let Donovan McNabb go to a team within the division the East will be a war of attrition in 2010 if ever there was one. All 4 teams are good now , and any one of them could beat the other on any givin day.
Eli Manning's Giants were down last year after winning the big one but they still sport a power running game and the NON Plaxico Burres receiving core is coming around. Needless to say the defense will decide the fate of the G-Men this year.
Philadelphia and Washington trade philosophies at quarterback this year. One goes with proven starter McNabb while the other turns to up and comer Kevin Kolb. Mike Shanahan joins the division at coach of the Skins and it should make them better. Andy Reid continues to do what he do with a big offense and a hard nosed D.
Dallas has the team to beat on paper. Passing , Running , and guys that can get to the QB provide a nice tri-fecta. The secondary will be the question in BIG D .
MY PREDICTION
Dallas------------11 - 5 -------
Philadelphia------10 - 6
New York-------- 8 - 8
Washington-------7 - 9
The Boys survive the war of attrition , but it aint gonna be easy.
NFC NORTH
Although much improved , this division is heavy at the top. If Bert Favor survives the pounding Minnesota should repeat. These guys have it all . Top flight passing game , potentially dominant running game , and a defense that just doesn't quit. Keep in mind they were 2 plays away from the Superbowl last year. B. Favor doesn't even have to be as good as he was last year for this team to win 13 games. The only weakness as I see it ? Coach Brad Childress is a dingus of the highest order. He had the best running offense on earth last year and for some reason decided to abandon it in favor of ......well .......Favor.
The Green Bay Packers have sparked a lot of Superbowl talk this off season. I would caution drinking the cheese-aid. Sure Aaron Rodgers is awesome and the receiving core is top notch , but Ryan Grant aint all that and the O-line is shaky. Couple that with a defense that has to cheat to win. ( 2nd in the league only to Baltimore last year in defensive penalties ) and the Packers are primed to blow some games in the 4th quarter.
Detroit and Chicago will fight for the cellar and the Bears best look the hell out. Both teams are more than capable of playing spoiler. It would not surprise me to see Mathew Stafford outplay Jay Cutler this season and take 3rd place in the North.
MY PREDICTION
Minnesota-------12 - 4
Green Bay-------10 - 6
Chicago---------- 7 - 9
Detroit----------- 5 - 11
Pack are good , but can't quite climb over the Vikings.
NFC SOUTH
Matt Ryan and the Falcons are a damn good football team. Quarterback Matty Ice and a healthy Michael Turner should return the birds to the success they had 2 years ago. But as good as they are ......they got nothing on the Saints. Drew Brees and crew will dominate again despite a questionable defense. Too many weapons for Drew Brees equals pain and suffering for the rest of the division , if not the whole NFC.
Carolina has talent , but they don't know who they are. Steve Smith is only as good as his quarterback , and the running back by committee can't make up for all of that.
Tampa Bay has some nice young players now. They could be putting something good together. But it isn't happening this year.
MY PREDICTION
New Orleans--------13 - 3
Atlanta--------------10 - 6
Carolina-------------6 - 10
Tampa Bay----------4 - 12
New Orleans is just too much to handle. They repeat as division champs.
NFC WEST
Just like the AFC , the NFC West is a mess.
Minus Kurt Warner the Cardinals flounder. At best it seems like they will go with Derrick Anderson at QB. That is not ideal to say the least.
The Seahawks seem to be trapped in a personnel crisis. Old guys not playing so well combined with young talent that needs a couple years to develop.
The Rams are just plain bad. Steven Jackson is a monster , and the defense isn't terrible , but no offensive line and no secondary , combined with a rookie at QB will doom this team. Sorry Sam Bradford , you are going to have to feel some growing pains brother.
The only shining light is the 49ers . If Frank Gore stays healthy and the offense starts making plays the 49ers have a chance.
MY PREDICTION
San Francisco-------10 - 6
Arizona---------------7 - 9
Seattle----------------5 - 11
St. Louis--------------3 - 13
49ers win by default.
THE NFC PLAYOFFS
1. - N.O.-----------N.O.
------------------------------------N.O.
3. - DAL-----------DAL
6. - ATL
--------------------------------------------------NEW ORLEANS
4. - G.B.-----------G.B.
5. - PHI
------------------------------------G.B
2. - MIN----------MIN
Pack upset the Vikings but can't deal with the Saints. Saints repeat as NFC Champs
NFC EAST
Wow , talk about a freakin meat grinder. The NFC East has long been the source of some truly great rivalry games. Eagles v Skins , Skins v Giants , and Cowboys v all of them. But this year will be even more memorable.
PICTURED - MEMORABLE
Thanks to the Eagles incomprehensible decision to let Donovan McNabb go to a team within the division the East will be a war of attrition in 2010 if ever there was one. All 4 teams are good now , and any one of them could beat the other on any givin day.
Eli Manning's Giants were down last year after winning the big one but they still sport a power running game and the NON Plaxico Burres receiving core is coming around. Needless to say the defense will decide the fate of the G-Men this year.
Philadelphia and Washington trade philosophies at quarterback this year. One goes with proven starter McNabb while the other turns to up and comer Kevin Kolb. Mike Shanahan joins the division at coach of the Skins and it should make them better. Andy Reid continues to do what he do with a big offense and a hard nosed D.
Dallas has the team to beat on paper. Passing , Running , and guys that can get to the QB provide a nice tri-fecta. The secondary will be the question in BIG D .
MY PREDICTION
Dallas------------11 - 5 -------
Philadelphia------10 - 6
New York-------- 8 - 8
Washington-------7 - 9
The Boys survive the war of attrition , but it aint gonna be easy.
NFC NORTH
Although much improved , this division is heavy at the top. If Bert Favor survives the pounding Minnesota should repeat. These guys have it all . Top flight passing game , potentially dominant running game , and a defense that just doesn't quit. Keep in mind they were 2 plays away from the Superbowl last year. B. Favor doesn't even have to be as good as he was last year for this team to win 13 games. The only weakness as I see it ? Coach Brad Childress is a dingus of the highest order. He had the best running offense on earth last year and for some reason decided to abandon it in favor of ......well .......Favor.
please notice me
The Green Bay Packers have sparked a lot of Superbowl talk this off season. I would caution drinking the cheese-aid. Sure Aaron Rodgers is awesome and the receiving core is top notch , but Ryan Grant aint all that and the O-line is shaky. Couple that with a defense that has to cheat to win. ( 2nd in the league only to Baltimore last year in defensive penalties ) and the Packers are primed to blow some games in the 4th quarter.
Detroit and Chicago will fight for the cellar and the Bears best look the hell out. Both teams are more than capable of playing spoiler. It would not surprise me to see Mathew Stafford outplay Jay Cutler this season and take 3rd place in the North.
MY PREDICTION
Minnesota-------12 - 4
Green Bay-------10 - 6
Chicago---------- 7 - 9
Detroit----------- 5 - 11
Pack are good , but can't quite climb over the Vikings.
NFC SOUTH
Matt Ryan and the Falcons are a damn good football team. Quarterback Matty Ice and a healthy Michael Turner should return the birds to the success they had 2 years ago. But as good as they are ......they got nothing on the Saints. Drew Brees and crew will dominate again despite a questionable defense. Too many weapons for Drew Brees equals pain and suffering for the rest of the division , if not the whole NFC.
Carolina has talent , but they don't know who they are. Steve Smith is only as good as his quarterback , and the running back by committee can't make up for all of that.
Tampa Bay has some nice young players now. They could be putting something good together. But it isn't happening this year.
MY PREDICTION
New Orleans--------13 - 3
Atlanta--------------10 - 6
Carolina-------------6 - 10
Tampa Bay----------4 - 12
New Orleans is just too much to handle. They repeat as division champs.
NFC WEST
Just like the AFC , the NFC West is a mess.
Minus Kurt Warner the Cardinals flounder. At best it seems like they will go with Derrick Anderson at QB. That is not ideal to say the least.
The Seahawks seem to be trapped in a personnel crisis. Old guys not playing so well combined with young talent that needs a couple years to develop.
The Rams are just plain bad. Steven Jackson is a monster , and the defense isn't terrible , but no offensive line and no secondary , combined with a rookie at QB will doom this team. Sorry Sam Bradford , you are going to have to feel some growing pains brother.
thank god for these guys
The only shining light is the 49ers . If Frank Gore stays healthy and the offense starts making plays the 49ers have a chance.
MY PREDICTION
San Francisco-------10 - 6
Arizona---------------7 - 9
Seattle----------------5 - 11
St. Louis--------------3 - 13
49ers win by default.
THE NFC PLAYOFFS
1. - N.O.-----------N.O.
------------------------------------N.O.
3. - DAL-----------DAL
6. - ATL
--------------------------------------------------NEW ORLEANS
4. - G.B.-----------G.B.
5. - PHI
------------------------------------G.B
2. - MIN----------MIN
Pack upset the Vikings but can't deal with the Saints. Saints repeat as NFC Champs
Monday, August 30, 2010
AFC - 2010 PREDICTIONS
Alright then ! Yeahhhhhhhhhhh !!! Time to do some predictions for the upcoming NFL season. I'm a total football junkie , which means I think I know everything , which means I am always wrong. Thanks to the blogosphere we can all go back at the end of the year and laugh at how little I actually know . Sounds fun right ? Lets start with the AFC.
AFC EAST
The New England Patriots have won the East Division 6 out of the last 7 years and if not for a salty Dolphins squad edging them out in 2008 via tie-breaker it would be 7 in a row. The Pats have made the playoffs 7 times this decade and have appeared in a league leading 4 Superbowls, having won 3 , also league leading. Tom Brady should return to form a year removed from the knee injury but the defense has become questionable.
Then of course you have the New York Jets who have put together one hell of a team on paper. A strong defense , coupled with decent special teams and " we will kick you in balls " Rex Ryan mentality to go along with rising star Mark Sanchez at QB. Not to mention the fact that they have a hall of famer ( Ladanian Tomlinson ) as their 2nd running back make the Jets a tough team. Point blank.
The power running , ball control Miami Dolphins add big time offensive threat Brandon Marshall at WR and QB Chad Henne appears poised to have a breakout year. This combo could make the Dolphins a tough win for anyone if they sport any defense at all.
Then there are the Buffalo Bills. I love to root for the hard luck Bills , and I love rookie running back C.J. Spiller but the sad fact of the matter is that the Bills are in a tough division and just don't have the goods to compete.
MY PREDICTION
NEW ENGLAND - 13 - 3---- 1 seed
NEW YORK------- 10 - 6---- 5 seed
MIAMI ------------ 8 - 8
BUFFALO --------- 5 - 11
Brady and company return to form while Mark Sanchez suffers a sophomore slump. Dolphins and Bills play spoiler.
AFC NORTH
A down year for the Steelers and some tough breaks for the Ravens allowed the Bengals to take the North last year . Don't look for history to repeat itself here. The Bengals are a good football team to be sure but this division will jack them up this year like it always does. The Ravens now have a top flight offense and if the Steelers can make it through the Big Ben suspension 3 -3 or better it will be near impossible for the Bengals to win 10 games. Despite T.O.
MY PREDICTION
INDIANAPOLIS------ 12 - 4------3rd seed
HOUSTON ------------ 10 - 6-----6th seed
TENNESSEE ----------- 7 - 9
JACKSONVILLE ------ 5 - 11
Tennessee and Jacksonville fade away , Houston rises up .
AFC WEST
What can you say about the 4 teams in the AFC WEST ? The last time this division represented itself well was the back to back Superbowl wins the Broncos achieved in 97 and 98 . Since then it seems that the only motivation to play well for these guys is the desire to smash a division foe. I love that actually , keep the hate West !
The Raiders and Chiefs are mired in pathetic down stretches and the Broncos aren't much better. San Diego seems to be the only team that wants to win but they happen to be saddled with the Norv Turner curse. The Chargers are the best playoff team to disappoint in the entire NFL.
Jason Cambell makes the Raiders better but not by much. The Chiefs are a disaster and 2nd year coach Josh McDaniels seems hell bent on forming a team with inferior players. For his own amusement apparently.
MY PREDICTION
SAN DIEGO -------- 12 - 4-----2nd seed
DENVER ------------- 8 - 8
OAKLAND ----------- 5 - 11
KANSAS CITY ------- 3 - 13
Chargers are still the Chargers , and the rest still suck
THE AFC PLAYOFFS
1. - N.E.--------N.E.
-----------------------------BAL-----
4. - BAL--------BAL
5. - JET
---------------------------------------------------------INDIANAPOLIS
3. - IND--------IND
6. - HOU
-----------------------------IND------
2. - S.D.---------S.D.
Colts take the AFC . I just don't think Houston has enough experiance, the Chargers can't break the curse , and as good as Baltimore is they wont hold down Manning when it counts. Colts repeat as AFC champs.
AFC EAST
The New England Patriots have won the East Division 6 out of the last 7 years and if not for a salty Dolphins squad edging them out in 2008 via tie-breaker it would be 7 in a row. The Pats have made the playoffs 7 times this decade and have appeared in a league leading 4 Superbowls, having won 3 , also league leading. Tom Brady should return to form a year removed from the knee injury but the defense has become questionable.
Then of course you have the New York Jets who have put together one hell of a team on paper. A strong defense , coupled with decent special teams and " we will kick you in balls " Rex Ryan mentality to go along with rising star Mark Sanchez at QB. Not to mention the fact that they have a hall of famer ( Ladanian Tomlinson ) as their 2nd running back make the Jets a tough team. Point blank.
blank....point , blank
The power running , ball control Miami Dolphins add big time offensive threat Brandon Marshall at WR and QB Chad Henne appears poised to have a breakout year. This combo could make the Dolphins a tough win for anyone if they sport any defense at all.
Then there are the Buffalo Bills. I love to root for the hard luck Bills , and I love rookie running back C.J. Spiller but the sad fact of the matter is that the Bills are in a tough division and just don't have the goods to compete.
MY PREDICTION
NEW ENGLAND - 13 - 3---- 1 seed
NEW YORK------- 10 - 6---- 5 seed
MIAMI ------------ 8 - 8
BUFFALO --------- 5 - 11
Brady and company return to form while Mark Sanchez suffers a sophomore slump. Dolphins and Bills play spoiler.
AFC NORTH
A down year for the Steelers and some tough breaks for the Ravens allowed the Bengals to take the North last year . Don't look for history to repeat itself here. The Bengals are a good football team to be sure but this division will jack them up this year like it always does. The Ravens now have a top flight offense and if the Steelers can make it through the Big Ben suspension 3 -3 or better it will be near impossible for the Bengals to win 10 games. Despite T.O.
and despite this as well
I have big faith in Mike Holmgren's influence over an organization but these things take time. Cleveland may win some games this year and may even upset some teams in the division but in the end will not really factor.
MY PREDICTION
BALTIMORE ----- 11 - 5 ----- 4th seed
PITTSBURGH ---- 9 - 7
CINCINNATI ----- 8 - 8
CLEVELAND ------ 4 - 12
Baltimore overcomes several inadequacies in the defensive secondary to win the division.
AFC SOUTH
The Indianapolis Colts are , for lack of a better word , machines. At least in the regular season. From 2000 to 2009 the Colts won a league best 115 games. That's an average of 11.5 a year for you math dunces. The Colts have an uncanny ability to interchange parts and still dominate offensively. With Peyton Manning still running the show there is no reason for this to change.
The Tennessee Titans sport the leagues best running back in Chris Johnson and there is no way they start 0 - 6 again this year. That being said Vince Young just is not the man , and the defense has lost some key players.
The Houston Texans ( despite that weak name ) are chomping at the bit to go from just missing the playoffs , to solid playoff contenders. Their biggest hurdle as always , is the Colts. Statistically the Texans have the hardest schedule in the league this year. If they can weather that , and steal at least one game from Indianapolis , look for the Texans to make their first playoff appearance ever.
Maurice Jones-Drew is not only an awesome back , but he just might be the coolest guy in the league. What with his love of fantasy football and Madden video games. MJD rocks , but the Jags are under qualified to compete this year.
MY PREDICTION
BALTIMORE ----- 11 - 5 ----- 4th seed
PITTSBURGH ---- 9 - 7
CINCINNATI ----- 8 - 8
CLEVELAND ------ 4 - 12
Baltimore overcomes several inadequacies in the defensive secondary to win the division.
AFC SOUTH
The Indianapolis Colts are , for lack of a better word , machines. At least in the regular season. From 2000 to 2009 the Colts won a league best 115 games. That's an average of 11.5 a year for you math dunces. The Colts have an uncanny ability to interchange parts and still dominate offensively. With Peyton Manning still running the show there is no reason for this to change.
The Tennessee Titans sport the leagues best running back in Chris Johnson and there is no way they start 0 - 6 again this year. That being said Vince Young just is not the man , and the defense has lost some key players.
The Houston Texans ( despite that weak name ) are chomping at the bit to go from just missing the playoffs , to solid playoff contenders. Their biggest hurdle as always , is the Colts. Statistically the Texans have the hardest schedule in the league this year. If they can weather that , and steal at least one game from Indianapolis , look for the Texans to make their first playoff appearance ever.
Maurice Jones-Drew is not only an awesome back , but he just might be the coolest guy in the league. What with his love of fantasy football and Madden video games. MJD rocks , but the Jags are under qualified to compete this year.
so cool he can fly ...apparently
MY PREDICTION
INDIANAPOLIS------ 12 - 4------3rd seed
HOUSTON ------------ 10 - 6-----6th seed
TENNESSEE ----------- 7 - 9
JACKSONVILLE ------ 5 - 11
Tennessee and Jacksonville fade away , Houston rises up .
AFC WEST
What can you say about the 4 teams in the AFC WEST ? The last time this division represented itself well was the back to back Superbowl wins the Broncos achieved in 97 and 98 . Since then it seems that the only motivation to play well for these guys is the desire to smash a division foe. I love that actually , keep the hate West !
The Raiders and Chiefs are mired in pathetic down stretches and the Broncos aren't much better. San Diego seems to be the only team that wants to win but they happen to be saddled with the Norv Turner curse. The Chargers are the best playoff team to disappoint in the entire NFL.
Jason Cambell makes the Raiders better but not by much. The Chiefs are a disaster and 2nd year coach Josh McDaniels seems hell bent on forming a team with inferior players. For his own amusement apparently.
MY PREDICTION
SAN DIEGO -------- 12 - 4-----2nd seed
DENVER ------------- 8 - 8
OAKLAND ----------- 5 - 11
KANSAS CITY ------- 3 - 13
Chargers are still the Chargers , and the rest still suck
THE AFC PLAYOFFS
1. - N.E.--------N.E.
-----------------------------BAL-----
4. - BAL--------BAL
5. - JET
---------------------------------------------------------INDIANAPOLIS
3. - IND--------IND
6. - HOU
-----------------------------IND------
2. - S.D.---------S.D.
Colts take the AFC . I just don't think Houston has enough experiance, the Chargers can't break the curse , and as good as Baltimore is they wont hold down Manning when it counts. Colts repeat as AFC champs.
Monday, August 9, 2010
What To Watch For ......NFL 2010
Ahhhhhhh yes , the summer of 2010 is winding down . Soon the temperature will start to drop , the leaves will begin to turn colors , and large angry men will don fiberglass suits of armor and smash into each other repeatedly.
Yes , yes , the unbearable brightness of summer will soon be overshadowed by the grim specter of death that is Autumn. I for one , am ecstatic. Why ? Because the death of summer ( sad as you people think that is ) is the very thing that enables a new NFL season to be born. Circle of life my friends , circle of life.
As you know every NFL season brings with it a whole new set of intriguing story lines as well as a mountain of questions. Will Tom Brady and the Patriots return to form a year removed from the knee injury ? Will the Eagles be justified in turning to Kevin Kolb instead of a proven Donovan McNabb ? Will the Cleveland Browns loose a game to themselves despite the improbability of a regular season Browns v Browns match up ? Who can say ? Who COULD say ?
It never ceases to amaze me how different one NFL season is to the next. Especially these days when almost any team can rise up to compete. I do not call that parody by the way , I call it competitive balance. I think it's the silent reason that the NFL is now America's new pastime. Almost every team has the potential to rise up and shock somebody every year. Ya I'm talking to YOU Raider fan !!!! Let's do this thing !!
Yes , yes , the unbearable brightness of summer will soon be overshadowed by the grim specter of death that is Autumn. I for one , am ecstatic. Why ? Because the death of summer ( sad as you people think that is ) is the very thing that enables a new NFL season to be born. Circle of life my friends , circle of life.
As you know every NFL season brings with it a whole new set of intriguing story lines as well as a mountain of questions. Will Tom Brady and the Patriots return to form a year removed from the knee injury ? Will the Eagles be justified in turning to Kevin Kolb instead of a proven Donovan McNabb ? Will the Cleveland Browns loose a game to themselves despite the improbability of a regular season Browns v Browns match up ? Who can say ? Who COULD say ?
It never ceases to amaze me how different one NFL season is to the next. Especially these days when almost any team can rise up to compete. I do not call that parody by the way , I call it competitive balance. I think it's the silent reason that the NFL is now America's new pastime. Almost every team has the potential to rise up and shock somebody every year. Ya I'm talking to YOU Raider fan !!!! Let's do this thing !!
uhmmm okAgain , that fact leads to some potentially awesome story lines . Can anyone beat the Jets ? What if Tony Romo is the next MVP ? Will the Buffalo Bills decide that passing the ball is overrated and bring back the four horseman formation ? Improbable I know , but this is the NFL. Who the hell knows ?
All those thoughts are worthy of our attention of course , but I like to look deeper into things . Read between the lines of the future a little. Seek a more ridiculous article ...if you will. So I have compiled my top 5 things to watch for as the 2010 NFL season unfolds. Enjoy.
# 5 - WHEN ( not if ) WILL T.O. AND CHAD OCHOCINCO KISS ?
Yikes , right off the bat with a tough one. Perhaps a better question would be ...How long will it take for these two attention whores to kiss, get in a fight , break up , and then kiss and make up again ? Since the Bengals sold their souls and signed Owens two weeks ago 81 and 85 have already been seen gallivanting around the practice field attached at the hip. Like a couple of frat boys overly amused by each others pranks. Also it appears that they have managed to get the two worst reality shows ever ( their own ) to run back to back on VH1.
That's right , if watching something that makes you embarrassed to be human is your thing then check out VH1 for back to back episodes of "The T.O. Show" and "The Ultimate Catch". Good grief , the only saving grace here is that the laws of physics prevent TV stations from airing shows "front to front". On top of that the dynamic duo were heard referring to themselves as Batman and Robin. Ochocinco , despite playing for the Bengals for over a decade actually taking the submissive Robin role with a forced smile.
All those thoughts are worthy of our attention of course , but I like to look deeper into things . Read between the lines of the future a little. Seek a more ridiculous article ...if you will. So I have compiled my top 5 things to watch for as the 2010 NFL season unfolds. Enjoy.
# 5 - WHEN ( not if ) WILL T.O. AND CHAD OCHOCINCO KISS ?
Yikes , right off the bat with a tough one. Perhaps a better question would be ...How long will it take for these two attention whores to kiss, get in a fight , break up , and then kiss and make up again ? Since the Bengals sold their souls and signed Owens two weeks ago 81 and 85 have already been seen gallivanting around the practice field attached at the hip. Like a couple of frat boys overly amused by each others pranks. Also it appears that they have managed to get the two worst reality shows ever ( their own ) to run back to back on VH1.
That's right , if watching something that makes you embarrassed to be human is your thing then check out VH1 for back to back episodes of "The T.O. Show" and "The Ultimate Catch". Good grief , the only saving grace here is that the laws of physics prevent TV stations from airing shows "front to front". On top of that the dynamic duo were heard referring to themselves as Batman and Robin. Ochocinco , despite playing for the Bengals for over a decade actually taking the submissive Robin role with a forced smile.
what? of course i like berginas
This dog and pony show can only end badly in my estimation. One can only hope that it doesn't result in any marriage vows. Good luck in 2010 Carson Palmer , you are going to need it.
# 4 - WILL THE BROTHERS MANNING EVER STOP LICKING STUFF ?
Dear god let's hope so. What started out as an innocent effort to jointly promote cookies quickly turned out to be far more disturbing. The 2009 Double Stuff Racing League campaign involving two grown men competing in a lick off was so bad that even the Williams sisters failed to make it tolerable
Not even Donald Trump could rescue this train wreck . This promotion has only succeeded in proving that both men are accomplished suckers. How can two Super Bowl winning QBs subject themselves to this kind of humiliation? They both have huge NFL contracts so it can't be about the money can it ? The fame maybe ? Again , Superbowl winners both. In the best case scenario they give it up completely and swear off all non-finger, pre snap licking. In the worst case scenario they move on to Popsicle sucking and have to be forcibly separated by commissioner Goodell.
Sad really. If only they had a strict , well known father figure to advise them.
# 3 - WILL ESPN EVER ACKNOWLEDGE BERT FAVOR ?
**NOTE*** for those of you not in the know. I am a huge Cheese head and after 17 years of defending # 4 for not spelling his own name correctly , I have sworn to never speak it as it is spoken correctly again. BY the way , how does that Superbowl NOT taste Minnesota ? Packers = 3 Vikings = 0 . Suck it .***************
At any rate I am more than a little confused by Espn's lack of coverage where it pertains to # 4 . We still don't know if he is gonna play this year but you sure wouldn't know it. B. Favor has been spotted not only in Kiln , ( his home town ) but also in Mississippi ( his home state ) no less than 100 times since the 09 season ended. I for one would like to know what his plans are but the 4 letter network seems either unwilling or unable to dig up anything news worthy in this area.
is that him ? oh shit ! is that him ?
Now I understand that a man resting up from ankle surgery in his own home for months at a time may be a little hard to find , but come on ESPN. Don't you have a decent reporter in that massive stable of yours ? Don't you have one guy or gal willing to go down and there ? Just in case he steps out to throw some balls at the local high school ? I'm not looking for world class espionage here , but a little coverage , an update from time to time , that's all. Can he walk ? Does he still like his tractor ? Hell , I would even settle for some highlights from the NFC Championship game last year . But can I get it ?
As far as the NFL Network and ESPN are concerned the answer is a resounding NO. Guess there is just no place left for an aging hall of famer who may or may not be the quarterback of the best " on paper " team in the league. What a shame.
# 2 - WILL THE RAVENS BE ALLOWED TO WEAR CLEATS ??
Ray Lewis hopped out of bed this morning and was promptly flagged for his efforts.
this is bullshit
" 15 yard penalty for illegal carpet stomping. " said a zebra clad referee. Enraged that a stranger had managed to sneak into his bedroom unannounced Mr. Lewis proceeded to punch the intruder square in the pie hole. Laying the man out flat. Not surprisingly he was immediately bludgeoned with a hail of tiny yellow bean bags.
" Personal Foul - unsportsman like conduct - illegal touching of an official - # 52 has been ejected from his house." Later in the day it was reported that a bewildered ( and shoeless ) Lewis was seen entering the Raven's practice facility in nothing but his boxer shorts.
Apparently hard nosed , aggressive , and tough defenses no longer have a place in today's kinder , gentler NFL. God forbid an offensive player would actually get hit in a live game these days. Any touching of the face mask by a defensive player is now subject to an automatic 15 yard penalty. Yet any offensive player with the ball can punch a man in the face and it is called a stiff arm.
Any touching of an eligible receiver beyond five yards from the line of scrimmage ( regardless if the ball is thrown his way ) will be deemed ILLEGAL TOUCHING and be penalized five yards plus an automatic first down. Yet if a leaping defender accidentally grazes the quarterbacks helmet on his way down it is not only a personal foul , but said defender may need to hire a lawyer.
It is amazing to me that football can still be the greatest game on earth when so many of the players are not allowed to be touched. The Baltimore Ravens were penalized an astounding 1094 yards last year. Leading the league easily. Having seen several of the Raven's games last year I can tell you that Raven fan ( and player ) must feel as if they are playing at a disadvantage. If an offensive player has no fear of being hit or even touched , then they are free to do anything they want . Sadly , I'm afraid that's exactly what the NFL wants.
Football is the greatest game on earth because of the powerful collisions , the high emotion , and the unforgettable personalities.
You can no longer hit hard , celebrate , or speak out , without getting fined. Not in the NFL anyway.
# 1 WILL JOHN MADDEN'S GHOST HAUNT COMMISSIONER GOODEL ?
What do you mean he's still alive ? Are you sure ? I'm gonna have to look that up .
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Paging Dr. Fat Bass
The old saying goes " if you aint cheatin , then you aint tryin " and who among us would question the the wisdom of a statement containing two "aints" ?
Nobody that's who , but cheating is a tricky thing . In baseball for instance guys who make a career out of stealing signs are called " students of the game " and celebrated for their innate craftiness. The guy rubbing a little snot on the ball to try and get it past El Grande Battadore is frowned upon for some reason. Drank seven cups of coffee and shotgunned 4 Redbulls ? Wow that guy is a gamer ! Did an eight-ball of coke and and injected a liter of moose testosterone in his backside ? He's only about the money. Nice double standard Major League Baseball.
Basketball has become harder and harder to watch over the years as the penalties for cheating have been reduced incrementally in a direct correlation to the player's salary. The following is an authentic page from the NBA rulebook . Probably.
OFFENSE-----------PENALTY FOR AVERAGE PLAYER-------------SUPERSTAR
hand check---------- foul and a stern look-----------------did that guy touch you ?
traveling------------ change of possession------------------- you still had 3 steps left
shooting foul--------- technical foul----------------------------------- that dude sucks
flagrant foul---------- ejection---------------------------------------- nice play champ
technical foul--------1 game suspension----------------------------- YOU DA MAN !!
As for football well , those rules are clearly made up as the game goes along. My point is that cheating is all in the eyes of the beholder/governing body. Some cheats are encouraged while others are grounds for public humiliation. More over, the sentences for the all time cheaters are as laughable as they are confounding. Journeyman pitcher Steve Howe was banned from baseball for life no less than six times for cocaine abuse. I'm almost positive of that. Yet poor Plaxico Burress got 2 years in the clank for shooting himself in the leg. Leonard Little and Donte Stallworth both have killed people while driving intoxicated and are not only free men , but still get to play in the NFL. Meanwhile broke ass college athletes , while still wrong , are excoriated for accepting money from people who truly have they're best interests in mind. Shameful.
Then , in a world of fuzzy math and shady decisions shines a light of a truth and justice for all to see. That light is the proud beacon of the Western Outdoor News bass tour . Won Bass for short. After discovering that pro angler Mike Hart was stuffing his competition bass with lead weights before the final weigh in , Won Bass promptly banned Mr. Hart . FOR LIFE !
YAAAAAAA !!!!! That's what I'm talking about. For life ! No further investigation , no round table discussion , only justice. Swift , sweet justice. The man actually tied a tiny hook to each of the lead weights he injected into each fish to prevent it from ever reaching the stomach. So congratulations Mr. Hart. Your shameful actions ( cheating , fish genocide ) have earned you a life time ban from the "sport" you love. Hopefully PETA will actually do it's job for once and protest your .........face.
And congratulations to you WON Bass . despite using words like "prestigious" and "integrity" as well as "official" to describe your league , or sport , or recreation , or whatever kind of organization you are. You showed up every other major sport by acting swiftly and with common sense. A rarity in today's world.
Well done Bass Masters . I salute you.
Nobody that's who , but cheating is a tricky thing . In baseball for instance guys who make a career out of stealing signs are called " students of the game " and celebrated for their innate craftiness. The guy rubbing a little snot on the ball to try and get it past El Grande Battadore is frowned upon for some reason. Drank seven cups of coffee and shotgunned 4 Redbulls ? Wow that guy is a gamer ! Did an eight-ball of coke and and injected a liter of moose testosterone in his backside ? He's only about the money. Nice double standard Major League Baseball.
Basketball has become harder and harder to watch over the years as the penalties for cheating have been reduced incrementally in a direct correlation to the player's salary. The following is an authentic page from the NBA rulebook . Probably.
OFFENSE-----------PENALTY FOR AVERAGE PLAYER-------------SUPERSTAR
hand check---------- foul and a stern look-----------------did that guy touch you ?
traveling------------ change of possession------------------- you still had 3 steps left
shooting foul--------- technical foul----------------------------------- that dude sucks
flagrant foul---------- ejection---------------------------------------- nice play champ
technical foul--------1 game suspension----------------------------- YOU DA MAN !!
As for football well , those rules are clearly made up as the game goes along. My point is that cheating is all in the eyes of the beholder/governing body. Some cheats are encouraged while others are grounds for public humiliation. More over, the sentences for the all time cheaters are as laughable as they are confounding. Journeyman pitcher Steve Howe was banned from baseball for life no less than six times for cocaine abuse. I'm almost positive of that. Yet poor Plaxico Burress got 2 years in the clank for shooting himself in the leg. Leonard Little and Donte Stallworth both have killed people while driving intoxicated and are not only free men , but still get to play in the NFL. Meanwhile broke ass college athletes , while still wrong , are excoriated for accepting money from people who truly have they're best interests in mind. Shameful.
Then , in a world of fuzzy math and shady decisions shines a light of a truth and justice for all to see. That light is the proud beacon of the Western Outdoor News bass tour . Won Bass for short. After discovering that pro angler Mike Hart was stuffing his competition bass with lead weights before the final weigh in , Won Bass promptly banned Mr. Hart . FOR LIFE !
YAAAAAAA !!!!! That's what I'm talking about. For life ! No further investigation , no round table discussion , only justice. Swift , sweet justice. The man actually tied a tiny hook to each of the lead weights he injected into each fish to prevent it from ever reaching the stomach. So congratulations Mr. Hart. Your shameful actions ( cheating , fish genocide ) have earned you a life time ban from the "sport" you love. Hopefully PETA will actually do it's job for once and protest your .........face.
And congratulations to you WON Bass . despite using words like "prestigious" and "integrity" as well as "official" to describe your league , or sport , or recreation , or whatever kind of organization you are. You showed up every other major sport by acting swiftly and with common sense. A rarity in today's world.
Well done Bass Masters . I salute you.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
My weekend with Lindsey Lohan
Hello readers. You may or may not know that I am not only an accredited writer in both satirical ( Stupid Earthicans) , and sports related ( Best Day of the Year) topics. Yet it is true. It is well within my range to butcher not only politics but current events as well. I am an equal opportunity employer when it comes to the slaughter of a given topic. Regardless of morals as well as insight and dignity. Thusly I would like to share with you my recollection of a weekend with my friend , and your favorite , Lindsey Lohan. Enjoy.
In the early months of 2010 I was contacted via facebook by a man representing a publication he called " Flood The Ant Hole " . I had never heard of it, but then again it was only a short time ago that I learned underwear were also made for men. So what did i know ? He informed me that his outfit was willing to pay me ( in foldin money ! ) to spend a weekend with a well known celebrity and then wax poetic in regard to said weekend. The man, who would only refer to himself as "Gorrini" made it clear that all my expenses would be paid and that I was free to use any tactics necessary to gain subject material for my article. Any tactics necessary.
I'll be perfectly honest with you. Despite the over emphasis he put on the word "any" I found this to be the most legitimate sounding idea to ever be passed in front me. My only fear was that this "Gorinni" character was actually one of my alter egos run wild , but who has time for such thoughts? I was about to get PAID !!!
Mr. Gorinni also informed me that a one way plane ticket to Hollywood (coach) would be provided for me as well as a limotaxi , which would await me at the airport. I wasn't sure what a limotaxi was but if it could combined the luxury and grace of a taxi cab with the the Joe Everyman sense of normality a limousine provides then I was in for a ride. Speaking aloud to my monitor I inquired where I might find such a boon. He replied to me that the ticket could be found under my left hand. Lo and behold , there it was !!!
So off I went to California. . Spirits high , pencils sharpened and my most trusty notebook at the ready. During the flight it occurred to me that Gorrini had never actually told me which celebrity he had assigned to me. Amazingly my phone rang at that exact moment. The ring tone was Yakity Sax. This pleased me, and despite the many warnings I received from the overly irate stewardess I answered my blackberry during the descent in California.
"YYYYeeeellllooowwww ?"
"Is this the Big Ragu? " the voice sounded tense, it had to be Gorinni
"The Biggest " I replied.
"Ok, once you land get to the Cinnabun at gate 13 and look for the sign that says RAGU"
The directions were so simple , yet I felt compelled to speak anyway.
"What are you wearing ? " There was no reply.
Upon landing I followed my instructions and proceeded directly to the Cinnabun at gate 13. Directly mind you . I was out of breath when I arrived , the handrail on the moving sidewalk was out of order. I scanned the room for the RAGU sign but it was difficult to focus. It seemed that all 3 of the fish tacos I ate were engaged in a holy war against the Wendy's Baconater in my stomach. What ? It's a long way between gates 10 and 13.
The room was spinning, and I saw smoke in the air. I heard voices. Loud , angry voices.
"Sir ! Sir this is an airport . You can't smoke in here ...SIR ? "
As I slowly succumbed to the 5 alarm fire in my gut I noticed a large pool of Mountain Dew emanating from beneath the sales counter. I found it odd that I could see under the counter all of the sudden. I would later learn that the liquid was not my favorite soda but that my bowels had indeed let loose in the event of my impending death , but that's another story.
When I awoke there was a woman's finger in my mouth . Disgusted I bit down as hard as I could. Perhaps a severed finger would be a suitable gift for the gods and would buy my passage across the river STYX and into the afterlife. That was when I heard the voice.
"Oh silly , you couldn't chew gum in your condition , but thanks for the nibble, I wont forget it."
That voice ! Could it be ? It was so angelic it made me forget that I didn't even draw blood with my death bite, or that I had just woke up with a finger in my mouth. I forced open my eyelids as far as I could and witnessed a goddess. There , leaning over me , index finger in my mouth , was Lindsey Lohan.
Oh my stars it was her. Right there in front of me. Overly dyed hair spilling in waves around her shoulders . She gazed down at me with the most benign and lovely smile I had ever seen. I was dumbfounded , and scarcely knew what to say. How does one speak to a goddess made flesh ?
I gathered my strength , looked deep into her eyes and spoke from the heart .
" a spwon vuerln quelt " whoa , what did I just say ? She giggled and removed her index finger from my mouth.
"I love your rack ! " There , I said it. Now I could die happy. She rose from the bedside and looked down on me. " I know you do sweety , that's why I saved you from the airport." She was so wonderfull , truly a sight to behold. She was crammed into a black corset two sizes too small and sported a pair of red booty shorts that were clearly designed for a much larger woman. Her only jewelry was a tiara that appeared to be fashioned from menthol cigarettes and copper wire. Elegant with a touch of old fashioned purity. Good breeding stock this one.
" How did you know ? " I inquired. Again her smile was pure joy. " Your agent , what was his name ? Oh yes Gorrini. He informed me that he was sending you here to do an expose on me and my career. He also told me that you were a big fan , as well as a fast food connoisseur. It was only logical that I would find you weeping on the floor at the Cinnabun." Logical , of course it was , she's so smart I thought. Wait , what ?
"Wait , what ?" I asked in confusion. Her reply made perfect sense. " You really should be more careful darling , you ate at Del Taco and Wendy's in the span of 10 minutes then tried to run 30 feet through LAX . You were probably breathing pretty hard. Don't you know that the air in California is slightly poisonous ? " Yes , yes of course ! Damn my naive ways and dependence on clean Colorado air ! My body is more than adept at handling two poisons at once but not three ! My mind was reeling again , I couldn't believe that my dream girl had saved from the poisonous fumes emanating from the left coast.
" Why was your finger in my mouth ? " I was curious , though no longer upset , but she had begun to move about the room . I didn't want her to leave. Had to keep her talking. " You need your rest my love , I was giving you a sedative. Your second actually." What a lovely woman. To take care of me so. " Both in the mouth right ? " She laughed a deep booming laugh that only a grossly overweight man could have produced.
" No" she replied as she wiped away a single teardrop from her cheek. " The first one was a suppository." Well , that's ok I guess. I was asleep , I didn't even feel it. " Well it was a different finger then right ? " This time there was no laughter. She merely looked over her shoulder and winked at me .
Oh shit. At this point I became aware of my situation in the bed. I was covered up head to toe.......almost. For some reason the bed sheet had been cut away around my belly and the exposed tummy tundra was covered in several small piles of white powder. " How strong are these sedatives ? " I asked , beginning to get nervous. She was rummaging around the shelves of the bookcase on the wall and didn't immediately reply. I couldn't see her hands and she still wasn't answering me. This could end badly I thought.
I was relieved when she turned around. She was holding some sort of glass dagger in one hand and a miniature garden gnome in the other. Oh thank god , she's only going to tear out my heart, capture my spirit in her gnome, and keep me prisoner for all eternity. Whew ! Dodged a bullet there. But she only placed the gnome and dagger duo on the bed and went back to her rummaging.
" It's actually a very selective medicine my dear , it will numb your body from the neck down so you can heal, but it will leave you full control of your face hole so we can still chat. Isn't that wonderful my love ? " Silently I prayed for death , but I knew it would not come. " Yes love , that rocks. " Why the hell did I say that I wonder ? This situation rocked about as much as sitting through a sphincter tatoo. It didn't matter .
This time when she turned around she was wearing some sort of apparatus on her face. It appeared to be a long glass tube that split in two and then ran up in to each one of her nostrils. She proceeded to work over my exposed Buddha belly in long snorting sweeps. Within minutes she had cleared most of the powder from my front porch.
Despite my near total immobilization I cheered her on . I was in love all over again . " Go baby go ! " I screamed . What a woman. After the last pile was gone she ripped of the glass tube and hurled it into the fireplace. There was a good deal of powder left on my gut and she didn't miss a grain. I watched in pure amazement as she motor boated my beer gut. Laughing manically all the while. When I was finally clean she sat back in her throne of black smoke. Wait , throne of black smoke ? Where the fuck did that come from ?
I didn't have time to ponder this as she immediately launched herself into a three hour diatribe on the merits of socialized medicine. I tried to flee but my body wouldn't budge. She was talking so fast ! I thought it was over at one point but she was only catching her breath. She spent the next two hours trashing the SNL executives for not listening to her ideas. " Those bastard faggots, I had a ton of good ideas for skits but all they wanted to do was dress me up in a plaid Hogworts mini skirt and stare at my ass" I remember that episode. Bless you Saturday Night Live.
As the time wore on I began to feel as if I might actually survive this encounter. She was finally starting to wear down. I should have known better. She was a celebrity after all , and I should have guessed that the mountain of drugs I had already seen was not even close to her full stash.
That realization came on the heels of the knife and gnome combo's reappearance. At least it would finally be over.
" Guess again my sweet." Did she just read my fucking mind ? Ohhhhhhh nooooo. " You aren't better yet my heart " so sweet , sooo sweet. "You need more rest , and I'm going to stay right here until you are better." Well that's relief I thought to myself. Please Death , some time today ?
She indulged my curiosity by holding the knife and gnome in front my face. Then she bit the head off the gnome with wild abandonment. I found that unnecessary considering that the gnome turned out to be not only ceramic , but a twist off as well. She poured the gnomes contents onto and around my belly button. That made sense to me , I've got an innie. She then tossed the ceramic gnome carcass into the fireplace with a bang. God I love this girl.
The contents of the gnome turned out to be a series of pea sized brownish pebbles. Which she began to stack into a neat pile on my stomach hole. Like a child engineer, so adorable. I soon found out what her plans for the knife were. She jammed the hilt ( a good 6 inch long polished herring bone) in to her mouth and leaned over the pile. Holy crap ! The glass knife turned out to be nothing more than an elaborate crack pipe ! The deceased gnome ? A crack container ! I'm not gonna die !!!
Suddenly she reached under the bed and produced a large soldering torch. What the ? What the fuck ? "Lindsey ! Baby ! What are you doing ? I love you ! " She didn't even glance up at me . She turned the gas nob to full on . I could here the gas rushing out of the mouthpiece. She held her index finger up in front of the gas and it burst into flame. A 8 inch spike of fire.. She aimed the flame right at my stomach. As the pile of crack heated up it began to smoke , as did my flesh. She inhaled through the knife and sucked it all in. I watched in horror. She kept one eye on me at all times. Like some kind of crack smoking chameleon skank. I thought it would never end , but when I smelled my own burning flesh I passed out.
I awoke several months later strapped to a tree trunk that had blown over sideways. I was surrounded by darkish people dressed in long grey robes and filter masks. Argentina, oh my heavens , she sent me to the best doctors in the world. Thank you Lindsey Lohan. That was the best weekend of my life . I love you girl. I really do.
In the early months of 2010 I was contacted via facebook by a man representing a publication he called " Flood The Ant Hole " . I had never heard of it, but then again it was only a short time ago that I learned underwear were also made for men. So what did i know ? He informed me that his outfit was willing to pay me ( in foldin money ! ) to spend a weekend with a well known celebrity and then wax poetic in regard to said weekend. The man, who would only refer to himself as "Gorrini" made it clear that all my expenses would be paid and that I was free to use any tactics necessary to gain subject material for my article. Any tactics necessary.
I'll be perfectly honest with you. Despite the over emphasis he put on the word "any" I found this to be the most legitimate sounding idea to ever be passed in front me. My only fear was that this "Gorinni" character was actually one of my alter egos run wild , but who has time for such thoughts? I was about to get PAID !!!
Mr. Gorinni also informed me that a one way plane ticket to Hollywood (coach) would be provided for me as well as a limotaxi , which would await me at the airport. I wasn't sure what a limotaxi was but if it could combined the luxury and grace of a taxi cab with the the Joe Everyman sense of normality a limousine provides then I was in for a ride. Speaking aloud to my monitor I inquired where I might find such a boon. He replied to me that the ticket could be found under my left hand. Lo and behold , there it was !!!
So off I went to California. . Spirits high , pencils sharpened and my most trusty notebook at the ready. During the flight it occurred to me that Gorrini had never actually told me which celebrity he had assigned to me. Amazingly my phone rang at that exact moment. The ring tone was Yakity Sax. This pleased me, and despite the many warnings I received from the overly irate stewardess I answered my blackberry during the descent in California.
"YYYYeeeellllooowwww ?"
"Is this the Big Ragu? " the voice sounded tense, it had to be Gorinni
"The Biggest " I replied.
"Ok, once you land get to the Cinnabun at gate 13 and look for the sign that says RAGU"
The directions were so simple , yet I felt compelled to speak anyway.
"What are you wearing ? " There was no reply.
Upon landing I followed my instructions and proceeded directly to the Cinnabun at gate 13. Directly mind you . I was out of breath when I arrived , the handrail on the moving sidewalk was out of order. I scanned the room for the RAGU sign but it was difficult to focus. It seemed that all 3 of the fish tacos I ate were engaged in a holy war against the Wendy's Baconater in my stomach. What ? It's a long way between gates 10 and 13.
The room was spinning, and I saw smoke in the air. I heard voices. Loud , angry voices.
"Sir ! Sir this is an airport . You can't smoke in here ...SIR ? "
As I slowly succumbed to the 5 alarm fire in my gut I noticed a large pool of Mountain Dew emanating from beneath the sales counter. I found it odd that I could see under the counter all of the sudden. I would later learn that the liquid was not my favorite soda but that my bowels had indeed let loose in the event of my impending death , but that's another story.
When I awoke there was a woman's finger in my mouth . Disgusted I bit down as hard as I could. Perhaps a severed finger would be a suitable gift for the gods and would buy my passage across the river STYX and into the afterlife. That was when I heard the voice.
"Oh silly , you couldn't chew gum in your condition , but thanks for the nibble, I wont forget it."
That voice ! Could it be ? It was so angelic it made me forget that I didn't even draw blood with my death bite, or that I had just woke up with a finger in my mouth. I forced open my eyelids as far as I could and witnessed a goddess. There , leaning over me , index finger in my mouth , was Lindsey Lohan.
Oh my stars it was her. Right there in front of me. Overly dyed hair spilling in waves around her shoulders . She gazed down at me with the most benign and lovely smile I had ever seen. I was dumbfounded , and scarcely knew what to say. How does one speak to a goddess made flesh ?
I gathered my strength , looked deep into her eyes and spoke from the heart .
" a spwon vuerln quelt " whoa , what did I just say ? She giggled and removed her index finger from my mouth.
"I love your rack ! " There , I said it. Now I could die happy. She rose from the bedside and looked down on me. " I know you do sweety , that's why I saved you from the airport." She was so wonderfull , truly a sight to behold. She was crammed into a black corset two sizes too small and sported a pair of red booty shorts that were clearly designed for a much larger woman. Her only jewelry was a tiara that appeared to be fashioned from menthol cigarettes and copper wire. Elegant with a touch of old fashioned purity. Good breeding stock this one.
" How did you know ? " I inquired. Again her smile was pure joy. " Your agent , what was his name ? Oh yes Gorrini. He informed me that he was sending you here to do an expose on me and my career. He also told me that you were a big fan , as well as a fast food connoisseur. It was only logical that I would find you weeping on the floor at the Cinnabun." Logical , of course it was , she's so smart I thought. Wait , what ?
"Wait , what ?" I asked in confusion. Her reply made perfect sense. " You really should be more careful darling , you ate at Del Taco and Wendy's in the span of 10 minutes then tried to run 30 feet through LAX . You were probably breathing pretty hard. Don't you know that the air in California is slightly poisonous ? " Yes , yes of course ! Damn my naive ways and dependence on clean Colorado air ! My body is more than adept at handling two poisons at once but not three ! My mind was reeling again , I couldn't believe that my dream girl had saved from the poisonous fumes emanating from the left coast.
" Why was your finger in my mouth ? " I was curious , though no longer upset , but she had begun to move about the room . I didn't want her to leave. Had to keep her talking. " You need your rest my love , I was giving you a sedative. Your second actually." What a lovely woman. To take care of me so. " Both in the mouth right ? " She laughed a deep booming laugh that only a grossly overweight man could have produced.
" No" she replied as she wiped away a single teardrop from her cheek. " The first one was a suppository." Well , that's ok I guess. I was asleep , I didn't even feel it. " Well it was a different finger then right ? " This time there was no laughter. She merely looked over her shoulder and winked at me .
Oh shit. At this point I became aware of my situation in the bed. I was covered up head to toe.......almost. For some reason the bed sheet had been cut away around my belly and the exposed tummy tundra was covered in several small piles of white powder. " How strong are these sedatives ? " I asked , beginning to get nervous. She was rummaging around the shelves of the bookcase on the wall and didn't immediately reply. I couldn't see her hands and she still wasn't answering me. This could end badly I thought.
I was relieved when she turned around. She was holding some sort of glass dagger in one hand and a miniature garden gnome in the other. Oh thank god , she's only going to tear out my heart, capture my spirit in her gnome, and keep me prisoner for all eternity. Whew ! Dodged a bullet there. But she only placed the gnome and dagger duo on the bed and went back to her rummaging.
" It's actually a very selective medicine my dear , it will numb your body from the neck down so you can heal, but it will leave you full control of your face hole so we can still chat. Isn't that wonderful my love ? " Silently I prayed for death , but I knew it would not come. " Yes love , that rocks. " Why the hell did I say that I wonder ? This situation rocked about as much as sitting through a sphincter tatoo. It didn't matter .
This time when she turned around she was wearing some sort of apparatus on her face. It appeared to be a long glass tube that split in two and then ran up in to each one of her nostrils. She proceeded to work over my exposed Buddha belly in long snorting sweeps. Within minutes she had cleared most of the powder from my front porch.
Despite my near total immobilization I cheered her on . I was in love all over again . " Go baby go ! " I screamed . What a woman. After the last pile was gone she ripped of the glass tube and hurled it into the fireplace. There was a good deal of powder left on my gut and she didn't miss a grain. I watched in pure amazement as she motor boated my beer gut. Laughing manically all the while. When I was finally clean she sat back in her throne of black smoke. Wait , throne of black smoke ? Where the fuck did that come from ?
I didn't have time to ponder this as she immediately launched herself into a three hour diatribe on the merits of socialized medicine. I tried to flee but my body wouldn't budge. She was talking so fast ! I thought it was over at one point but she was only catching her breath. She spent the next two hours trashing the SNL executives for not listening to her ideas. " Those bastard faggots, I had a ton of good ideas for skits but all they wanted to do was dress me up in a plaid Hogworts mini skirt and stare at my ass" I remember that episode. Bless you Saturday Night Live.
As the time wore on I began to feel as if I might actually survive this encounter. She was finally starting to wear down. I should have known better. She was a celebrity after all , and I should have guessed that the mountain of drugs I had already seen was not even close to her full stash.
That realization came on the heels of the knife and gnome combo's reappearance. At least it would finally be over.
" Guess again my sweet." Did she just read my fucking mind ? Ohhhhhhh nooooo. " You aren't better yet my heart " so sweet , sooo sweet. "You need more rest , and I'm going to stay right here until you are better." Well that's relief I thought to myself. Please Death , some time today ?
She indulged my curiosity by holding the knife and gnome in front my face. Then she bit the head off the gnome with wild abandonment. I found that unnecessary considering that the gnome turned out to be not only ceramic , but a twist off as well. She poured the gnomes contents onto and around my belly button. That made sense to me , I've got an innie. She then tossed the ceramic gnome carcass into the fireplace with a bang. God I love this girl.
The contents of the gnome turned out to be a series of pea sized brownish pebbles. Which she began to stack into a neat pile on my stomach hole. Like a child engineer, so adorable. I soon found out what her plans for the knife were. She jammed the hilt ( a good 6 inch long polished herring bone) in to her mouth and leaned over the pile. Holy crap ! The glass knife turned out to be nothing more than an elaborate crack pipe ! The deceased gnome ? A crack container ! I'm not gonna die !!!
Suddenly she reached under the bed and produced a large soldering torch. What the ? What the fuck ? "Lindsey ! Baby ! What are you doing ? I love you ! " She didn't even glance up at me . She turned the gas nob to full on . I could here the gas rushing out of the mouthpiece. She held her index finger up in front of the gas and it burst into flame. A 8 inch spike of fire.. She aimed the flame right at my stomach. As the pile of crack heated up it began to smoke , as did my flesh. She inhaled through the knife and sucked it all in. I watched in horror. She kept one eye on me at all times. Like some kind of crack smoking chameleon skank. I thought it would never end , but when I smelled my own burning flesh I passed out.
I awoke several months later strapped to a tree trunk that had blown over sideways. I was surrounded by darkish people dressed in long grey robes and filter masks. Argentina, oh my heavens , she sent me to the best doctors in the world. Thank you Lindsey Lohan. That was the best weekend of my life . I love you girl. I really do.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Ragu Rewind Presents.....2 Old Movies Battle It Out !
Tonight's cinematic death match pits late 1990's marathon " Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil " featuring John Cusak and Kevin Spacey being whipped by director Clint Eastwood , versus one of the many recent flicks starring Gerard Butler . " RocknRolla " The winner will be decided using The Big Ragu 10 Star System as always . LETS GET IT ON !!!!
Round # 1
The five crucial stars , if you want a 10 star rating then you must earn these 5 essential stars.
Midnight earned a star for surpassing the minimum run time of 120 minutes , while RocknRolla fell 5 minutes short. Both movies had an entertaining plot worthy of a star. The epic betrayal went to RocknRolla only on account of pretty Bob tricking Gerard Butler in to gay slow dancing. it's a weak star I know , but there wasn't much to award here. Neither movie produced full frontal nudity or a remarkable explosion.
So after round # 1 the score is deadlocked at 2 -2 . On to round # 2 , the bonus full stars.
Awesome side boob , gratuitous sex , killer special effects , and crazy fight scenes were absent from both movies. RocknRolla however did manage to provide some good comedy and against my better judgement I gave it a star .
The score after 2 rounds is 3 - 2 in favor of RocknRolla. On to the half stars.
Again , fabulous death scenes , awesome sound tracts , epic drug benders , and soon to be historic one liners were not achieved by either show. RocknRolla most certainly has drugs , and both have decent statements , but none were even close to EPIC as I see it .
After round # 3 the score remains 3 - 2 in favor of RocknRolla.
Last round , the 1/4 stars. See the ranking system here .
Much to my extreme disappointment not one 1/4 star was awarded to either movie. The actresses were pretty but not HOT , there were no aliens of any kind , like wise there were no natural disasters , there may have been some political incorrectness in RocknRolla but London-ese jokes are so far below my head I didn't catch them.
Which brings me to the most disappointing thing of all . I did not find even one awesome porn stash or fabulous mullet in either show . Is that even possible ? Four plus hours of cinematicness didn't provide even one of those two things . Really ?
At any rate the final score looks like this ...................
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil = 2 stars = Mildly amused.....by something
RocknRolla = 3 stars = Mildly amused ....by something
The winner is ......RocknRolla ! by a 3 - 2 score.
Despite the low scores I would like to make it known that I enjoyed both movies. I can't believe that they both scored so poorly. But what can I say ? It's not like I created the scale , and judged both movies by it .
Oh wait .......I did.
Well nuts to me .
Round # 1
The five crucial stars , if you want a 10 star rating then you must earn these 5 essential stars.
Midnight earned a star for surpassing the minimum run time of 120 minutes , while RocknRolla fell 5 minutes short. Both movies had an entertaining plot worthy of a star. The epic betrayal went to RocknRolla only on account of pretty Bob tricking Gerard Butler in to gay slow dancing. it's a weak star I know , but there wasn't much to award here. Neither movie produced full frontal nudity or a remarkable explosion.
So after round # 1 the score is deadlocked at 2 -2 . On to round # 2 , the bonus full stars.
Awesome side boob , gratuitous sex , killer special effects , and crazy fight scenes were absent from both movies. RocknRolla however did manage to provide some good comedy and against my better judgement I gave it a star .
The score after 2 rounds is 3 - 2 in favor of RocknRolla. On to the half stars.
Again , fabulous death scenes , awesome sound tracts , epic drug benders , and soon to be historic one liners were not achieved by either show. RocknRolla most certainly has drugs , and both have decent statements , but none were even close to EPIC as I see it .
After round # 3 the score remains 3 - 2 in favor of RocknRolla.
Last round , the 1/4 stars. See the ranking system here .
Much to my extreme disappointment not one 1/4 star was awarded to either movie. The actresses were pretty but not HOT , there were no aliens of any kind , like wise there were no natural disasters , there may have been some political incorrectness in RocknRolla but London-ese jokes are so far below my head I didn't catch them.
Which brings me to the most disappointing thing of all . I did not find even one awesome porn stash or fabulous mullet in either show . Is that even possible ? Four plus hours of cinematicness didn't provide even one of those two things . Really ?
At any rate the final score looks like this ...................
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil = 2 stars = Mildly amused.....by something
RocknRolla = 3 stars = Mildly amused ....by something
The winner is ......RocknRolla ! by a 3 - 2 score.
Despite the low scores I would like to make it known that I enjoyed both movies. I can't believe that they both scored so poorly. But what can I say ? It's not like I created the scale , and judged both movies by it .
Oh wait .......I did.
Well nuts to me .
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Spitting Hot Rythmes ...... Fathers Day Style
Yooooooooooooo
Yo , Yo , Yo ,
Pops - you da tops
when you runnin from da cops
cuz that bus driver got mad
when you popped him in da chops
then you stole his freaking bus
and you didn't make the stops
after all those hippies cried
cuz you burnt down all they crops
just cuz little dealin druggie
came all short up on his drops
and you drove through Little Italy
sreaming screw the freakin WOPS
then you crashed into that brewery
to insult the brewers hops
then you urinated twice
in the box of bottle tops
and the janitors were bummed
cuz you sawed off all da mops
then the good times all went bad
on that episode of Cops
when they caught you overcharging
for those rubber lollipops
Hey wait just a damn minute , my father isn't anything like that at all .
Never mind me , I must be trippin.
Happy Fathers day dad.
Yo , Yo , Yo ,
Pops - you da tops
when you runnin from da cops
cuz that bus driver got mad
when you popped him in da chops
then you stole his freaking bus
and you didn't make the stops
after all those hippies cried
cuz you burnt down all they crops
just cuz little dealin druggie
came all short up on his drops
and you drove through Little Italy
sreaming screw the freakin WOPS
then you crashed into that brewery
to insult the brewers hops
then you urinated twice
in the box of bottle tops
and the janitors were bummed
cuz you sawed off all da mops
then the good times all went bad
on that episode of Cops
when they caught you overcharging
for those rubber lollipops
Hey wait just a damn minute , my father isn't anything like that at all .
Never mind me , I must be trippin.
Happy Fathers day dad.
Friday, June 18, 2010
RIP -- JOSH KLEIN
I did not know Josh all that well. He has recently departed our world and today was the day of his service. It got to me to thinking about the man.
The first time I ever met Josh he actually gave me one of his favorite pairs of sneakers. Brand new and never used. I don't remember the brand or even the color . I only remember being blown away by a man who would give one of his favorite things away to someone he just met. "Who does that ? " I thought to myself. A person who cares far more for the people in his life than any worldly possession , that's who.
I mean , it was only a pair of kicks but how fucking cool was that ? I literally had not known the man for 5 hours and he gave me something right out of his own damn closet !
That random act of kindness has never left me. On top of that I never had a conversation with Josh in which he failed to make me laugh about one thing or another. Furthermore I don't know anyone who doesn't have a similar story about Josh. As I said , I didn't know him well but I know a lot of same people he does and I can't think of of even one who didn't like him , yet there many times many whom loved him dearly.
If I knew nothing else about the man those things would be more than enough to deserve my admiration and this simple tribute.
So take heart friend Josh. Those who love you most dearly will keep you with them always. A gentle reminder that laughter is golden and that family is forever.
My paltry words could never do you justice sir , yet they are all that I have.
Rest In Peace Josh Klein . You will not be forgotten.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Ragu Rewinds Two Flicks.....TO THE DEATH !!!!
In my latest installment of " RAGU REWINDS THE FLICKS " I have decided to put two random movies up against each other in a cinematic fight to the death. Tonight's death match pits a blockbuster comedy sequel against a shoot em up action thriller. The action should be intense and the commentary ridiculous . Lets get to it .
In the red corner we have Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay . The long awaited sequel to the first installment of weed smoking antics and raunchy jokes.
In the blue corner we have the movie Hit Man starring Timothy Olyphant as a born and raised professional killer. ooooooooooooooooooo scary !!
If you are new and need an explanation of the scoring system you can find it here .
TOO THE SCORECARDS !!!!!!!!!!
# 1 TIME - Both movies are well over the minimum allotted run time of 120 minutes. ( 1 - 1 )
# 2 BETRAYAL - I saw no betrayals in either movie worthy of a star. still ( 1 - 1 )
# 3 EXPLOSION - Harold and Kumar , while enjoyable , was disappointing in it's lack a giant explosion. Hit man on the other hand came through with flying colors. ( 1 - 2 )
# 4 BOOBS - Big winners on both sides here . HITMAN'S Olga Kurylenko is awesome in her frontal nudity and H @ K never fails when it comes to naked breasts. ( 2 - 3 )
# 5 THE PLOT - H @ K didn't bother to try and HIT MAN just didn't make the grade.
And so , after round # 1 , the 5 mandatory stars , the score stands at H @ K with 2 and HIT MAN with 3 . Now we have round 2 . The bonus full stars.
There are 5 bonus full stars available and both movies scored 2 of them . Harold and Kumar scored points for an overly gratuitous sex scene involving a dream sequence 3 way involving a man , a woman , and a giant bag of pot. H @ K also scored a star for comedy that makes you pee a little when you laugh. Most of the movie in fact.
In the red corner we have Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay . The long awaited sequel to the first installment of weed smoking antics and raunchy jokes.
In the blue corner we have the movie Hit Man starring Timothy Olyphant as a born and raised professional killer. ooooooooooooooooooo scary !!
If you are new and need an explanation of the scoring system you can find it here .
TOO THE SCORECARDS !!!!!!!!!!
# 1 TIME - Both movies are well over the minimum allotted run time of 120 minutes. ( 1 - 1 )
# 2 BETRAYAL - I saw no betrayals in either movie worthy of a star. still ( 1 - 1 )
# 3 EXPLOSION - Harold and Kumar , while enjoyable , was disappointing in it's lack a giant explosion. Hit man on the other hand came through with flying colors. ( 1 - 2 )
# 4 BOOBS - Big winners on both sides here . HITMAN'S Olga Kurylenko is awesome in her frontal nudity and H @ K never fails when it comes to naked breasts. ( 2 - 3 )
# 5 THE PLOT - H @ K didn't bother to try and HIT MAN just didn't make the grade.
And so , after round # 1 , the 5 mandatory stars , the score stands at H @ K with 2 and HIT MAN with 3 . Now we have round 2 . The bonus full stars.
There are 5 bonus full stars available and both movies scored 2 of them . Harold and Kumar scored points for an overly gratuitous sex scene involving a dream sequence 3 way involving a man , a woman , and a giant bag of pot. H @ K also scored a star for comedy that makes you pee a little when you laugh. Most of the movie in fact.
HIT MAN on the other scored an additional full star for an awesome side boob shot . Despite already scoring a star for full frontal , Olga Kurylenko was scantily clad at best throughout and got another star out of it. In addition the fight scenes in this movie were as numerous as they were awesome.
So after round 2 HITMAN still leads . The score is now ( 4 - 5 )
The half star round went to Harold and Kumar. Scoring half-stars for the awesome soundtrack as well as the epic drug use. Neil Patrick Harris's mushroom trip was an added bonus to the constant pot smoking.
HITMAN only managed one half star for the many gruesome deaths it provided.
The score is now ( 5 - 5.5 ) still in favor of HITMAN.
Again the scoring is explained here .
Now , to decide the matter , we move to the last scoring segment. The quarter stars.
HITMAN did not do so well here. It was a serious-ish movie that didn't sport a whole lot of cinematic stupidity. Scoring only one 1/4 star for a hot actress. Olga again. I do believe that she has scored the majority of this movies stars ! Good for her.
HAROLD AND KUMAR on the other hand was designed for sophomoric entertainment and did a little better. They also received a 1/4 star for a hot actress. Hey , they were good looking girls "acting" in a movie. It still counts. But H @ K verily excelled in the categories of political incorrectness as well as racial slurs . Of which there were many times many.
THE DECISION
HAROLD AND KUMAR = 5.75 STARS = Oh man this is getting good !
HIT MAN = 5.75 STARS = Oh man this is getting good !
Wait ....what ? Are you kidding me ? My very first movie battle using my new scale resulted in a tie ? Oh for the love of crap !! What are the chances ?
Well as creator of this stupidity I feel compelled to levy a decision on the matter.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
This is tough , but , considering the amount of exposed breasts , there very easily could have been an additional star for "side" boob. Even though ALL the boobs in this flick were full , it is the only deciding factor I can find.
AND THE WINNER IS .........................
Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanimo Bay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The half star round went to Harold and Kumar. Scoring half-stars for the awesome soundtrack as well as the epic drug use. Neil Patrick Harris's mushroom trip was an added bonus to the constant pot smoking.
HITMAN only managed one half star for the many gruesome deaths it provided.
The score is now ( 5 - 5.5 ) still in favor of HITMAN.
Again the scoring is explained here .
Now , to decide the matter , we move to the last scoring segment. The quarter stars.
HITMAN did not do so well here. It was a serious-ish movie that didn't sport a whole lot of cinematic stupidity. Scoring only one 1/4 star for a hot actress. Olga again. I do believe that she has scored the majority of this movies stars ! Good for her.
HAROLD AND KUMAR on the other hand was designed for sophomoric entertainment and did a little better. They also received a 1/4 star for a hot actress. Hey , they were good looking girls "acting" in a movie. It still counts. But H @ K verily excelled in the categories of political incorrectness as well as racial slurs . Of which there were many times many.
THE DECISION
HAROLD AND KUMAR = 5.75 STARS = Oh man this is getting good !
HIT MAN = 5.75 STARS = Oh man this is getting good !
Wait ....what ? Are you kidding me ? My very first movie battle using my new scale resulted in a tie ? Oh for the love of crap !! What are the chances ?
Well as creator of this stupidity I feel compelled to levy a decision on the matter.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
This is tough , but , considering the amount of exposed breasts , there very easily could have been an additional star for "side" boob. Even though ALL the boobs in this flick were full , it is the only deciding factor I can find.
AND THE WINNER IS .........................
Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanimo Bay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations boys you win nothing.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Recent flicks to be RE-WINDED ..........on.
As you may or may not know , I have recently created my very own movie rating scale. In the interest of fairness I will not be rating movies from memory. (no , not even mine) So you will no doubt see many movies that are obviously old . Get over it. This is why the scale will be fun. Rehashing old classics as well as historic loads of cinematic crap.
and so , thanks to NetFlix I give you some thoughts . And some scores of course.
WANTED = 4.75 = SWEET !!!
Up first is WANTED staring Angelina Jolie , Morgan Freeman and some young dueschington named ....................well I think it was dueschington. Anyway Jolie looks good despite only spending about one nano second in the buff. Freeman of course is his usual mix of old timey wisdom and underlying evil. But despite the fact that they can all shoot bullets around a corner from the top of moving train and pull off dastardly sniper head shots from across town , this movie was fairly enjoyable.
It was outrageous pretty much from the start and in doing so it removes most of those "that could never happen" responses and allowed you to just say " CAAAA-BLAMMO!! " or whatever you say when somebodies face explodes in slow motion. I say cablamo.
I enjoyed the plot , as well as the 1000-rat army explosion and the betrayal that got young dueshington to kill his own father was nice . That was good for 3 of the 5 major stars. When it comes to bonus stars however I was a little stingy. Awarding only 1 3/4 stars. One for the fight scenes , a half for gruesome deaths and a quarter for the super hot actress.
There was a sex scene , but I did not deem it gratuitous enough to earn a star.
EXTRACT = 1.50 = MAKING OUT IN THE BACK OF THE THEATER BAD
Then we ran into a real gem by the name of EXTRACT. Wow this flick put the bottom end of my new scale to the test in a hurry. This surprised me a little considering how much I love Mila Kunis . AND I DO ! Seriously , what's not to love ? She's from Siberia , she lied about her age to get her first acting job and she readily admits that she loves to play the role of a total bitch. Oh yeah and there is also this.................
beauty is in the eyes............of my face
But alas , despite my undying love for Mila , this movie was hard pressed to score a point at all. Being as generous as I could I awarded one star for comedy ( when dude got his left nut blown off) and a quarter star for HOT ACTRESS as well as a quarter star for a mullet. That was it I'm afraid. I kind of can not believe how a movie that I didn't hate at all scored so low. It's just that everything was so mediocre. Not even a side boob.
It was a combination of yawns and half assed dirty jokes. Weak , but not insultingly so . Wish I could have scored it higher.
More to come as Ragu Rewinds The Flicks.
Friday, June 4, 2010
THE BIG RAGU 10 STAR MOVIE RANKING SYSTEM
Hello readers . All 4 of you . I have long been against the tried and true 4 star movie ranking system. Most of us are I believe . There are several bazillion movie rating systems based on stars these days. Thank you very much Internet. I'm sure many of them are outstanding too, but as I clearly don't give two craps about any of them I have devised my own system.
The problem with the traditional 4 star system is that it leaves no room for the many bad-ass things that happen in crappy movies. Likewise it leaves no room to differentiate between two great movies. Or even two really good movies. How can you know what the best movie ever was? There are hundreds and hundreds of 4 star flicks.
Conversely there must be several billion crappy ass films that receive 1 star just so they can be shown on network television I assume. Just saying to yourself "well that stunk" is not a good enough reason to award a movie 1 star. Likewise there are many times many really good movies that just don't quite make it to that fourth star. But is every "kinda awesome" movie a 3 ? I think not.
My system , new and unrefined as it is , is a little different than most. First of all it is a 10 star scoring system. Secondly it is nearly (probably) impossible to score a perfect 10. I do not believe I have ever seen the perfect movie. As you will soon come to understand. Many movies are totally awesome , but the perfect movie would have to include ALL the things we love in a movie. Also despite the many ways there are to score points , my scale is harsh.
The problem with the traditional 4 star system is that it leaves no room for the many bad-ass things that happen in crappy movies. Likewise it leaves no room to differentiate between two great movies. Or even two really good movies. How can you know what the best movie ever was? There are hundreds and hundreds of 4 star flicks.
Conversely there must be several billion crappy ass films that receive 1 star just so they can be shown on network television I assume. Just saying to yourself "well that stunk" is not a good enough reason to award a movie 1 star. Likewise there are many times many really good movies that just don't quite make it to that fourth star. But is every "kinda awesome" movie a 3 ? I think not.
My system , new and unrefined as it is , is a little different than most. First of all it is a 10 star scoring system. Secondly it is nearly (probably) impossible to score a perfect 10. I do not believe I have ever seen the perfect movie. As you will soon come to understand. Many movies are totally awesome , but the perfect movie would have to include ALL the things we love in a movie. Also despite the many ways there are to score points , my scale is harsh.
pictured---harsh
It's a two part scoring system for one.................part. Part one expounds upon the original 4 stars with a ..................wait for it ..........................5 STARS !!!!!!!!!!
Yeah , you heard me . These are the 5 basic components I would use in a 5 star system. Awesome plots, horrible betrayals, fantastic explosions , full frontal nudity and a 120 minute minimum run time. You absolutely must have these 5 things to even have a chance at a perfect score. It is non negotiable. These five requirements can be explained here .
After that I have contrived an extensive list of partial scoring. Full stars, half stars,and even quarter stars. Such things as comedy that makes you pee when you laugh (1 star) and epic drug trips (half star), are but a few examples. Also , less awesome cinematic events can still be awarded a quarter star. They have little to do with a great movie but are surely point worthy. Awesome aliens and dubious porn stashes are a few examples.
sir ......you have it all. and a quarter star
But in the second part of the scoring system you can only achieve a total of 5 stars. Yes , Yes , math geek I understand that the second part of my scoring system (in it's current format) appears to have a total of 8 and one half stars. But I set the limit a 5 because I am not a complete goob. The combination of side boob, hot actresses, and porn stashes could make any porno a 10 star movie. We just can't have that.
So to achieve the perfect 10 stars you must first earn all 5 of the required full stars and then also score any combination of 5 bonus stars. It is not as easy as it may sound.
My favorite movie of all time is Goodfellas. A classic to put all others to shame. Even it only scores a 9 on my scale. And that's IF , and only IF, I give the full "awesome explosion star" to the car fires that a youthful Henry Hill starts in the first half hour. Not even the Star Wars movies score that high. Although they could if princess Leah was ever topless. Just for one second. But she is not , therefore a 9 is the highest score they can achieve.
And so I remind you , this is a harsh scale. Considering how big an industry movies are , shouldn't it be ? So don't be depressed if some of your favorite flicks don't even come close to a 10. Hell , I freggin love me some Die Hard but on my scale it only scores a 6 and 1/4. That's actually really good by my reckoning. Here are the results of my scale.
- 0 stars------------------i died a little just now
- 0-1 stars------------------i kinda cant believe I just watched that
- 1-1.5 stars------------------making out in the back of the theater
- 1.6-3 stars------------------mildly amused ....by something
- 3-4 stars------------------not bad ! i would watch it again !
- 4-5 stars------------------sweet !!!
- 5-6 stars----------------- oh man , this is getting good
- 6-7 stars------------------oh snap ! didn't see that coming
- 7-8 stars------------------wow , that rocked my gray matter
- 8-9 stars------------------I will never stop talking about this
- 9-9.5 stars------------------i have seen history
- 9.6-10 stars----------------- now , I can die happy
So go forth and watch the crap that Hollywood does produce. Enjoy the mind numbing repetitiveness of it all . And remember , I will be always be scoring it on my ridiculous , drunken , 10 star movie rating scale
YOU CAN SEE THE BIG RAGU'S MOVIE RANKING SCALE HERE
AND YOU CAN SEE THE MOVIES I HAVE WATCHED SINCE I CREATED IT HERE .
Saturday, May 15, 2010
AnnDee Paul ............A Retail Retrospective
As we shuffle through the month of May here on this floating blue orb we refer to as Earth , we often stop to observe the changes around us. The skies change as the days grow longer , the weather changes as springtime blooms in the Rocky Mountains. Even the dog turds that litter your neighbors lawn change , turning from a deep chocolate brown to that lifeless shade of gray that is slightly less offensive.
These things are changes that occur on a regular basis however, and kind of become normal after having been witnessed a thousand times or so. You may still comment from time to time on the daylight or the temperature, and you may , at times , still be moved to kick that white pile of canine feces . You know , just to see. But aside from that these things are quickly forgotten. Minor happenstances tossed into your life in and endless cycle of normalcy.
The things you do not forget however are the people. I'm not even sure how I just referred to people as "things" yet here we are. More to the point , every person you meet is unique in some way. Perhaps only slightly so , but still unique. The course of our lives will take many twists and turns over the years and it is the people we will remember.
Yes indeed , the people. We could start anywhere , probably should start with family members , and the people we love , but that is too easy. I say we concentrate on the people who actually have a serious impact on our lives. The truly unforgettable. The clinically bi-polar and maddeningly dysfunctional personages we encounter at work.
Yes those are the ones. The poor , the tired , and the lonely. The rich , the overstimulated , and the jerk waddish. These people can be your customers , or your clients. Your business partners or your stalkers. They are the tweekers, the chodes, the spastic and the goobenly. They are the chatterboxes , the close-talkers, the folks who act like they are constantly speaking to a large crowd, and the silently staring C.H.U.D.s
They are the outer circle of our lives, and try as we might we just can not push them far enough away. Their nervously twitching , constantly frightened , and yes frequently handicapped selves keep snapping back in to our lives like a hot rubber band to the eyeball. Yet we somehow come to love them in our own sick demented ways.
But I digress , enough about average citizens. I came here today (here ?) to speak about the above average. The special ones , the shooting stars, ....NAY !!..... The Rock Stars that we are blessed to behold.
***"It has come to my attention that many of you who gained entrance from the back (snicker) have managed to do so without paying the cover charge. Well , as this IS a momentous day I am willing to ignore that for now but I want to make it perfectly clear that under no circumstances do I intend to let this discussion degenerate into a debate about genitalia in any way. Male or Female. Despite my previous references to rock stars , above average , "special" people and things hitting you in the eye. So with that being said , Officer Goombatso , could you please remove that man in the velvet panda suit for us. Thank you"****************
Sorry for the interruption. Now back to my speech. It goes without saying that witnessing the glory of a shooting star can be perilous at times. From a safe distance they are majestic , and wonderful, a delight to behold. From a not so safe distance they shine far to brightly for our soggy human eyes , yet we can not turn away , and thus we are left with our giant smiles and hideously disfigured eye sockets.
I recently had the chance to witness one of these white hot celestial bodies as it careened through my life , and I was not alone. Our tiny, insignificant world of The Sports Fanatic was fundamentally astounded some 3 years ago in the process of hiring some extra help to get us through the holiday season. What , on the surface, appeared to be the casual gain of a current employees friend, quickly turned out to be much , much more.
I recall the first words I ever heard her speak as if it were yesterday. "Jessi you whore!" she screamed through the metal gate, " I need more sex in my life!" .......Simple , yet profound don't you think ? She was......... as an other worldly space comedian , yet in the guise of a human female.
From day one she shocked and astounded us with the quickness and the skill in which she spewed her shock-and-raunch brand of comedy. It was fast , and it was filthy , but only if you were smart enough to catch it. Yet as good as the jokes were (and still are) they were not her most impressive feature.
***BOOMING APPLAUSE EXPLODES THROUGHOUT THE ROOM*******
People please !! Restrain your self's !!! I know what you want and I'm not going to give it to you ! Now calm down !!
I was speaking to the fact that she could count money with lightning speed while carrying on MORE than one conversation !!!! And the gods be merciful if those bills are not faced !! Needless to say I was impressed by this. Yet not nearly as impressed as I was when she taught ME to do the same thing !! Now by "taught' of course I mean "forced" verbally and mentally. It didn't matter that I didn't actually want to learn. She made it quite clear that to work with her or around her, I would need to acquire this skill. We all would.
And so, under her slave-master like tutelage we learned to raise the level of our games. Not just with the money either , she made us all better , all the time. It is not a joke when I say that I believe I am actually a smarter person after having worked with her. It's one thing to have a skill or to work really hard , it is quite another to put both on display without ever being in danger of loosing track of the conversation. As well as maintaining a constant stream of overlapping puns and long running inside jokes.
Over the next three years this young woman would continue to enlighten us all with her high speed thought processes and clerical innovations. Not to speak of her simply incomparable skills inside a display case. I repeat ,.....incomparable. This list of skills could go on and on if I let it . She has forgotten more about how to merchandise clothing than I will probably ever know. She could literally fold a tee shirt one handed while taking a shot and flipping you off.
And that reminds me of her sales pitch. It is not every day you get watch someone insult a person as a means to sell them a hat. How do you even describe such a thing ? Genius , pure genius. She was a treat to watch and a pleasure to work with. If extreme workplace sarcasm and exceptional bad-assery were a competition she would dominate. And , as of today , it is .
And so , without further dudes , I present to you the first annual winner of the Sports Fantastic Award for Extreme Workplace Sarcasm and Exceptional Bad-Assery .....................AnnDee Paul ladies and gentlemen !!!!!........AnnDee Paul.............And for all you who are doing some drinking up there in the balcony section , ya I see ya .................................................
ANN.........DEE..........MUTHA....... FUCKING.........PAUL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
****CROWD GOES NUTS , APPLAUSE IS DEAFENING , ROOF LITERALLY BLOWS OFF**
ahhhhh slightly less
These things are changes that occur on a regular basis however, and kind of become normal after having been witnessed a thousand times or so. You may still comment from time to time on the daylight or the temperature, and you may , at times , still be moved to kick that white pile of canine feces . You know , just to see. But aside from that these things are quickly forgotten. Minor happenstances tossed into your life in and endless cycle of normalcy.
The things you do not forget however are the people. I'm not even sure how I just referred to people as "things" yet here we are. More to the point , every person you meet is unique in some way. Perhaps only slightly so , but still unique. The course of our lives will take many twists and turns over the years and it is the people we will remember.
Yes indeed , the people. We could start anywhere , probably should start with family members , and the people we love , but that is too easy. I say we concentrate on the people who actually have a serious impact on our lives. The truly unforgettable. The clinically bi-polar and maddeningly dysfunctional personages we encounter at work.
Yes those are the ones. The poor , the tired , and the lonely. The rich , the overstimulated , and the jerk waddish. These people can be your customers , or your clients. Your business partners or your stalkers. They are the tweekers, the chodes, the spastic and the goobenly. They are the chatterboxes , the close-talkers, the folks who act like they are constantly speaking to a large crowd, and the silently staring C.H.U.D.s
#1 on our company mailer.......it's true
They are the outer circle of our lives, and try as we might we just can not push them far enough away. Their nervously twitching , constantly frightened , and yes frequently handicapped selves keep snapping back in to our lives like a hot rubber band to the eyeball. Yet we somehow come to love them in our own sick demented ways.
But I digress , enough about average citizens. I came here today (here ?) to speak about the above average. The special ones , the shooting stars, ....NAY !!..... The Rock Stars that we are blessed to behold.
***"It has come to my attention that many of you who gained entrance from the back (snicker) have managed to do so without paying the cover charge. Well , as this IS a momentous day I am willing to ignore that for now but I want to make it perfectly clear that under no circumstances do I intend to let this discussion degenerate into a debate about genitalia in any way. Male or Female. Despite my previous references to rock stars , above average , "special" people and things hitting you in the eye. So with that being said , Officer Goombatso , could you please remove that man in the velvet panda suit for us. Thank you"****************
Sorry for the interruption. Now back to my speech. It goes without saying that witnessing the glory of a shooting star can be perilous at times. From a safe distance they are majestic , and wonderful, a delight to behold. From a not so safe distance they shine far to brightly for our soggy human eyes , yet we can not turn away , and thus we are left with our giant smiles and hideously disfigured eye sockets.
I recently had the chance to witness one of these white hot celestial bodies as it careened through my life , and I was not alone. Our tiny, insignificant world of The Sports Fanatic was fundamentally astounded some 3 years ago in the process of hiring some extra help to get us through the holiday season. What , on the surface, appeared to be the casual gain of a current employees friend, quickly turned out to be much , much more.
I recall the first words I ever heard her speak as if it were yesterday. "Jessi you whore!" she screamed through the metal gate, " I need more sex in my life!" .......Simple , yet profound don't you think ? She was......... as an other worldly space comedian , yet in the guise of a human female.
From day one she shocked and astounded us with the quickness and the skill in which she spewed her shock-and-raunch brand of comedy. It was fast , and it was filthy , but only if you were smart enough to catch it. Yet as good as the jokes were (and still are) they were not her most impressive feature.
***BOOMING APPLAUSE EXPLODES THROUGHOUT THE ROOM*******
People please !! Restrain your self's !!! I know what you want and I'm not going to give it to you ! Now calm down !!
I was speaking to the fact that she could count money with lightning speed while carrying on MORE than one conversation !!!! And the gods be merciful if those bills are not faced !! Needless to say I was impressed by this. Yet not nearly as impressed as I was when she taught ME to do the same thing !! Now by "taught' of course I mean "forced" verbally and mentally. It didn't matter that I didn't actually want to learn. She made it quite clear that to work with her or around her, I would need to acquire this skill. We all would.
And so, under her slave-master like tutelage we learned to raise the level of our games. Not just with the money either , she made us all better , all the time. It is not a joke when I say that I believe I am actually a smarter person after having worked with her. It's one thing to have a skill or to work really hard , it is quite another to put both on display without ever being in danger of loosing track of the conversation. As well as maintaining a constant stream of overlapping puns and long running inside jokes.
not pictured.......an explanation
Over the next three years this young woman would continue to enlighten us all with her high speed thought processes and clerical innovations. Not to speak of her simply incomparable skills inside a display case. I repeat ,.....incomparable. This list of skills could go on and on if I let it . She has forgotten more about how to merchandise clothing than I will probably ever know. She could literally fold a tee shirt one handed while taking a shot and flipping you off.
And that reminds me of her sales pitch. It is not every day you get watch someone insult a person as a means to sell them a hat. How do you even describe such a thing ? Genius , pure genius. She was a treat to watch and a pleasure to work with. If extreme workplace sarcasm and exceptional bad-assery were a competition she would dominate. And , as of today , it is .
And so , without further dudes , I present to you the first annual winner of the Sports Fantastic Award for Extreme Workplace Sarcasm and Exceptional Bad-Assery .....................AnnDee Paul ladies and gentlemen !!!!!........AnnDee Paul.............And for all you who are doing some drinking up there in the balcony section , ya I see ya .................................................
ANN.........DEE..........MUTHA....... FUCKING.........PAUL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
****CROWD GOES NUTS , APPLAUSE IS DEAFENING , ROOF LITERALLY BLOWS OFF**
You absolutely freakin rock girl , and i will miss you.
Monday, May 10, 2010
The N.B.A.'s Worst Job
If you consider the probable pay scale of just about anybody involved in the Association there really is no "bad" job. Yet if you put all that scratch aside and focus on the other factors involved in the workplace, it seems to me that one man far and away has the worst assignment in basketball. That man is TNT analyst and talking head Ernie Johnson.
A LITTLE HISTORY
For years after graduating with a BA in journalism from the University of Georgia (class of 77) , Mr. Johnson worked as a local news anchor and reporter for WAMZ-TV in Macon, Georgia. He then traveled to Spartanburg , South Carolina to do much the same work before returning to Georgia to become the weekend sports anchor for Atlanta's WSB-TV in 1983. Mr. Johnson held that spot for six years before taking a job with Turner Sports in 1989.
From 1993 to 1996 Johnson called Atlanta Braves games with his father Ernie Sr. (a former Major League ballplayer) on the SportSouth channel before it became FSN South. Over the years Mr. Johnson has worn several hats in regard to sports broadcasting. Three times he has worked the Olympic games in one capacity or another as well as some work on the PGA Tour , and the NFL. Johnson even won a Sports Emmy for Outstanding Sports Personality - Studio Host for his work on TBS and TNT. Well to be honest he was a CO-WINNER of that award. From 2000 to 2005 Bob Costas either won that award ....or he won that award.
A LITTLE HISTORY
For years after graduating with a BA in journalism from the University of Georgia (class of 77) , Mr. Johnson worked as a local news anchor and reporter for WAMZ-TV in Macon, Georgia. He then traveled to Spartanburg , South Carolina to do much the same work before returning to Georgia to become the weekend sports anchor for Atlanta's WSB-TV in 1983. Mr. Johnson held that spot for six years before taking a job with Turner Sports in 1989.
From 1993 to 1996 Johnson called Atlanta Braves games with his father Ernie Sr. (a former Major League ballplayer) on the SportSouth channel before it became FSN South. Over the years Mr. Johnson has worn several hats in regard to sports broadcasting. Three times he has worked the Olympic games in one capacity or another as well as some work on the PGA Tour , and the NFL. Johnson even won a Sports Emmy for Outstanding Sports Personality - Studio Host for his work on TBS and TNT. Well to be honest he was a CO-WINNER of that award. From 2000 to 2005 Bob Costas either won that award ....or he won that award.
so good , they made a card out of me
******AUTHORS NOTE****************
Now would probably be a good time for me to go ahead and waive all personal claims of journalistic integrity as I am gleaning this information via Mr. Johnson's Wikipedia page. Sorry E.J. If any or all of this information is false I sincerely apologize , but I'm trying to paint a picture before I pass out, and that means I just don't have the time for .....you know ......the facts.
******AUTHORS NOTE****************
At any rate my point is this. Ernie Johnson , despite being diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2003, has done the work that it takes to reach a very high standing in his chosen field. He completed the schooling , worked the crappy jobs , battled through cancer , and still managed to find his way into the upper reaches of sports broadcasting. He deserves the respect of his peers , his friends and family , you , me , and everyone who aspires to be a broadcaster. So what does Mr. Johnson get for all his hard work ? Three verbally handicapped ex-ballers to share the studio with.
Seriously , Chriss Webber , Kenny Smith , and the quote machine Charles Barkley ?????
Come on TNT how can you do this ? Granted all three were awesome basketball players. C-Webb was great at Michigan and damn good in the NBA. Kenny Smith won multiple championships (on Hakeem's coat tails) but still , he was great himself. No question. Hell , Charles Barkley is one of my favorite players in the history of Basketball! So it goes without saying that all three would have some insight on the NBA today and probably forever.
But how in the name of all that is holy and good can these three idiots be given jobs as "analysts" ? Further more how can they be holding these jobs down ? As much as I love Charles Barkley (and I do love me some Chuck) the man's grasp of the English language is actually worse than his golf swing ! Now that's saying something! C-Webb and K-Smith are slightly better but by no means will they ever be considered eloquent in any way. Sometimes I question if they are even literate. Not to mention the fact that Webber and Barkley have both had some run ins with the law. Who hasn't ? I know, but Barkley , a man who has no trouble blasting anyone for any reason, has been in trouble more times then we can count. Yet somehow still seems to be loved by all. Hypocrite or not.
Now I could ignore all of that , the horrible speech, the bad decisions , and the hypocrisy. Because after all , as humans , we all do some dumb ass shit from time to time . Life seems to demand it of us. I could deal with all of that , if it weren't for the fact those three goons , especially Smith and Barkley , didn't spend every second of the show trying to undermine and embarrass Ernie Johnson. Every single time I see this foursome on TV I feel for E.J. I don't how he gets through a show without blowing up. I really don't. It's a testament to his professionalism.
Barkley and Smith continually talk over Johnson. Interrupting him at every chance, and even go so far as to team up and poke fun at his knowledge of the game. Granted these ex players know the game far more intimately than does Johnson but come on. The man watches Basketball for a living! It's his freakin job!
I have never been of the opinion that a non-ballplayer is destined to be ignorant on any given sport. He may not have played , but I would be willing to bet that Ernie Johnson has watched enough Basketball in his life to put 99% of the population to shame. You don't have to have played the game to recognize the things that are clearly happening before your eyes.
So hang tough Big Earn. Someday the masses will get tired of these three a-holes and maybe , just maybe , TNT will not stick you with three more "all eyes on me" former basket jockeys.
Maybe they will give you Magic Johnson this time...........Oh wait .....they did that already , and it was even worse.
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