Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Paging Dr. Fat Bass


The old saying goes " if you aint cheatin , then you aint tryin " and who among us would question the the wisdom of a statement containing two "aints" ?

Nobody that's who , but cheating is a tricky thing . In baseball for instance guys who make a career out of stealing signs are called " students of the game " and celebrated for their innate craftiness. The guy rubbing a little snot on the ball to try and get it past El Grande Battadore is frowned upon for some reason. Drank seven cups of coffee and shotgunned 4 Redbulls ? Wow that guy is a gamer ! Did an eight-ball of coke and and injected a liter of moose testosterone in his backside ? He's only about the money. Nice double standard Major League Baseball.

Basketball has become harder and harder to watch over the years as the penalties for cheating have been reduced incrementally in a direct correlation to the player's salary. The following is an authentic page from the NBA rulebook . Probably.

OFFENSE-----------PENALTY FOR AVERAGE PLAYER-------------SUPERSTAR

hand check---------- foul and a stern look-----------------did that guy touch you ?
traveling------------ change of possession------------------- you still had 3 steps left
shooting foul--------- technical foul----------------------------------- that dude sucks
flagrant foul---------- ejection---------------------------------------- nice play champ
technical foul--------1 game suspension----------------------------- YOU DA MAN !!

As for football well , those rules are clearly made up as the game goes along. My point is that cheating is all in the eyes of the beholder/governing body. Some cheats are encouraged while others are grounds for public humiliation. More over, the sentences for the all time cheaters are as laughable as they are confounding. Journeyman pitcher Steve Howe was banned from baseball for life no less than six times for cocaine abuse. I'm almost positive of that. Yet poor Plaxico Burress got 2 years in the clank for shooting himself in the leg. Leonard Little and Donte Stallworth both have killed people while driving intoxicated and are not only free men , but still get to play in the NFL. Meanwhile broke ass college athletes , while still wrong , are excoriated for accepting money from people who truly have they're best interests in mind. Shameful.

Then , in a world of fuzzy math and shady decisions shines a light of a truth and justice for all to see. That light is the proud beacon of the Western Outdoor News bass tour . Won Bass for short. After discovering that pro angler Mike Hart was stuffing his competition bass with lead weights before the final weigh in , Won Bass promptly banned Mr. Hart . FOR LIFE !











YAAAAAAA !!!!! That's what I'm talking about. For life ! No further investigation , no round table discussion , only justice. Swift , sweet justice. The man actually tied a tiny hook to each of the lead weights he injected into each fish to prevent it from ever reaching the stomach. So congratulations Mr. Hart. Your shameful actions ( cheating , fish genocide ) have earned you a life time ban from the "sport" you love. Hopefully PETA will actually do it's job for once and protest your .........face.

And congratulations to you WON Bass . despite using words like "prestigious" and "integrity" as well as "official" to describe your league , or sport , or recreation , or whatever kind of organization you are. You showed up every other major sport by acting swiftly and with common sense. A rarity in today's world.

Well done Bass Masters . I salute you.

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