AnnDee Paul ............A Retail Retrospective

As we shuffle through the month of May here on this floating blue orb we refer to as Earth , we often stop to observe the changes around us. The skies change as the days grow longer , the weather changes as springtime blooms in the Rocky Mountains. Even the dog turds that litter your neighbors lawn change , turning from a deep chocolate brown to that lifeless shade of gray that is slightly less offensive.

ahhhhh slightly less

These things are changes that occur on a regular basis however, and kind of become normal after having been witnessed a thousand times or so. You may still comment from time to time on the daylight or the temperature, and you may , at times , still be moved to kick that white pile of canine feces . You know , just to see. But aside from that these things are quickly forgotten. Minor happenstances tossed into your life in and endless cycle of normalcy.

The things you do not forget however are the people. I'm not even sure how I just referred to people as "things" yet here we are. More to the point , every person you meet is unique in some way. Perhaps only slightly so , but still unique. The course of our lives will take many twists and turns over the years and it is the people we will remember.

Yes indeed , the people. We could start anywhere , probably should start with family members , and the people we love , but that is too easy. I say we concentrate on the people who actually have a serious impact on our lives. The truly unforgettable. The clinically bi-polar and maddeningly dysfunctional personages we encounter at work.

Yes those are the ones. The poor , the tired , and the lonely. The rich , the overstimulated , and the jerk waddish. These people can be your customers , or your clients. Your business partners or your stalkers. They are the tweekers, the chodes, the spastic and the goobenly. They are the chatterboxes , the close-talkers, the folks who act like they are constantly speaking to a large crowd, and the silently staring C.H.U.D.s

#1 on our company mailer.......it's true

They are the outer circle of our lives, and try as we might we just can not push them far enough away. Their nervously twitching , constantly frightened , and yes frequently handicapped selves keep snapping back in to our lives like a hot rubber band to the eyeball. Yet we somehow come to love them in our own sick demented ways.

But I digress , enough about average citizens. I came here today (here ?) to speak about the above average. The special ones , the shooting stars, ....NAY !!..... The Rock Stars that we are blessed to behold.

***"It has come to my attention that many of you who gained entrance from the back (snicker) have managed to do so without paying the cover charge. Well , as this IS a momentous day I am willing to ignore that for now but I want to make it perfectly clear that under no circumstances do I intend to let this discussion degenerate into a debate about genitalia in any way. Male or Female. Despite my previous references to rock stars , above average , "special" people and things hitting you in the eye. So with that being said , Officer Goombatso , could you please remove that man in the velvet panda suit for us. Thank you"****************

Sorry for the interruption. Now back to my speech. It goes without saying that witnessing the glory of a shooting star can be perilous at times. From a safe distance they are majestic , and wonderful, a delight to behold. From a not so safe distance they shine far to brightly for our soggy human eyes , yet we can not turn away , and thus we are left with our giant smiles and hideously disfigured eye sockets.

I recently had the chance to witness one of these white hot celestial bodies as it careened through my life , and I was not alone. Our tiny, insignificant world of The Sports Fanatic was fundamentally astounded some 3 years ago in the process of hiring some extra help to get us through the holiday season. What , on the surface, appeared to be the casual gain of a current employees friend, quickly turned out to be much , much more.

I recall the first words I ever heard her speak as if it were yesterday. "Jessi you whore!" she screamed through the metal gate, " I need more sex in my life!" .......Simple , yet profound don't you think ? She was......... as an other worldly space comedian , yet in the guise of a human female.

From day one she shocked and astounded us with the quickness and the skill in which she spewed her shock-and-raunch brand of comedy. It was fast , and it was filthy , but only if you were smart enough to catch it. Yet as good as the jokes were (and still are) they were not her most impressive feature.

***BOOMING APPLAUSE EXPLODES THROUGHOUT THE ROOM*******

People please !! Restrain your self's !!! I know what you want and I'm not going to give it to you ! Now calm down !!

I was speaking to the fact that she could count money with lightning speed while carrying on MORE than one conversation !!!! And the gods be merciful if those bills are not faced !! Needless to say I was impressed by this. Yet not nearly as impressed as I was when she taught ME to do the same thing !! Now by "taught' of course I mean "forced" verbally and mentally. It didn't matter that I didn't actually want to learn. She made it quite clear that to work with her or around her, I would need to acquire this skill. We all would.

And so, under her slave-master like tutelage we learned to raise the level of our games. Not just with the money either , she made us all better , all the time. It is not a joke when I say that I believe I am actually a smarter person after having worked with her. It's one thing to have a skill or to work really hard , it is quite another to put both on display without ever being in danger of loosing track of the conversation. As well as maintaining a constant stream of overlapping puns and long running inside jokes.

not pictured.......an explanation

Over the next three years this young woman would continue to enlighten us all with her high speed thought processes and clerical innovations. Not to speak of her simply incomparable skills inside a display case. I repeat ,.....incomparable. This list of skills could go on and on if I let it . She has forgotten more about how to merchandise clothing than I will probably ever know. She could literally fold a tee shirt one handed while taking a shot and flipping you off.

And that reminds me of her sales pitch. It is not every day you get watch someone insult a person as a means to sell them a hat. How do you even describe such a thing ? Genius , pure genius. She was a treat to watch and a pleasure to work with. If extreme workplace sarcasm and exceptional bad-assery were a competition she would dominate. And , as of today , it is .

And so , without further dudes , I present to you the first annual winner of the Sports Fantastic Award for Extreme Workplace Sarcasm and Exceptional Bad-Assery .....................AnnDee Paul ladies and gentlemen !!!!!........AnnDee Paul.............And for all you who are doing some drinking up there in the balcony section , ya I see ya .................................................

ANN.........DEE..........MUTHA....... FUCKING.........PAUL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

****CROWD GOES NUTS , APPLAUSE IS DEAFENING , ROOF LITERALLY BLOWS OFF**

You absolutely freakin rock girl , and i will miss you.

The N.B.A.'s Worst Job

If you consider the probable pay scale of just about anybody involved in the Association there really is no "bad" job. Yet if you put all that scratch aside and focus on the other factors involved in the workplace, it seems to me that one man far and away has the worst assignment in basketball. That man is TNT analyst and talking head Ernie Johnson.



A LITTLE HISTORY



For years after graduating with a BA in journalism from the University of Georgia (class of 77) , Mr. Johnson worked as a local news anchor and reporter for WAMZ-TV in Macon, Georgia. He then traveled to Spartanburg , South Carolina to do much the same work before returning to Georgia to become the weekend sports anchor for Atlanta's WSB-TV in 1983. Mr. Johnson held that spot for six years before taking a job with Turner Sports in 1989.



From 1993 to 1996 Johnson called Atlanta Braves games with his father Ernie Sr. (a former Major League ballplayer) on the SportSouth channel before it became FSN South. Over the years Mr. Johnson has worn several hats in regard to sports broadcasting. Three times he has worked the Olympic games in one capacity or another as well as some work on the PGA Tour , and the NFL. Johnson even won a Sports Emmy for Outstanding Sports Personality - Studio Host for his work on TBS and TNT. Well to be honest he was a CO-WINNER of that award. From 2000 to 2005 Bob Costas either won that award ....or he won that award.

so good , they made a card out of me

******AUTHORS NOTE****************

Now would probably be a good time for me to go ahead and waive all personal claims of journalistic integrity as I am gleaning this information via Mr. Johnson's Wikipedia page. Sorry E.J. If any or all of this information is false I sincerely apologize , but I'm trying to paint a picture before I pass out, and that means I just don't have the time for .....you know ......the facts.

******AUTHORS NOTE****************



At any rate my point is this. Ernie Johnson , despite being diagnosed with non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2003, has done the work that it takes to reach a very high standing in his chosen field. He completed the schooling , worked the crappy jobs , battled through cancer , and still managed to find his way into the upper reaches of sports broadcasting. He deserves the respect of his peers , his friends and family , you , me , and everyone who aspires to be a broadcaster. So what does Mr. Johnson get for all his hard work ? Three verbally handicapped ex-ballers to share the studio with.



Seriously , Chriss Webber , Kenny Smith , and the quote machine Charles Barkley ?????



Come on TNT how can you do this ? Granted all three were awesome basketball players. C-Webb was great at Michigan and damn good in the NBA. Kenny Smith won multiple championships (on Hakeem's coat tails) but still , he was great himself. No question. Hell , Charles Barkley is one of my favorite players in the history of Basketball! So it goes without saying that all three would have some insight on the NBA today and probably forever.



But how in the name of all that is holy and good can these three idiots be given jobs as "analysts" ? Further more how can they be holding these jobs down ? As much as I love Charles Barkley (and I do love me some Chuck) the man's grasp of the English language is actually worse than his golf swing ! Now that's saying something! C-Webb and K-Smith are slightly better but by no means will they ever be considered eloquent in any way. Sometimes I question if they are even literate. Not to mention the fact that Webber and Barkley have both had some run ins with the law. Who hasn't ? I know, but Barkley , a man who has no trouble blasting anyone for any reason, has been in trouble more times then we can count. Yet somehow still seems to be loved by all. Hypocrite or not.



Now I could ignore all of that , the horrible speech, the bad decisions , and the hypocrisy. Because after all , as humans , we all do some dumb ass shit from time to time . Life seems to demand it of us. I could deal with all of that , if it weren't for the fact those three goons , especially Smith and Barkley , didn't spend every second of the show trying to undermine and embarrass Ernie Johnson. Every single time I see this foursome on TV I feel for E.J. I don't how he gets through a show without blowing up. I really don't. It's a testament to his professionalism.



Barkley and Smith continually talk over Johnson. Interrupting him at every chance, and even go so far as to team up and poke fun at his knowledge of the game. Granted these ex players know the game far more intimately than does Johnson but come on. The man watches Basketball for a living! It's his freakin job!



I have never been of the opinion that a non-ballplayer is destined to be ignorant on any given sport. He may not have played , but I would be willing to bet that Ernie Johnson has watched enough Basketball in his life to put 99% of the population to shame. You don't have to have played the game to recognize the things that are clearly happening before your eyes.

So hang tough Big Earn. Someday the masses will get tired of these three a-holes and maybe , just maybe , TNT will not stick you with three more "all eyes on me" former basket jockeys.

Maybe they will give you Magic Johnson this time...........Oh wait .....they did that already , and it was even worse.

Hail the Benevolent 200

So , you have been hired as one of the two hundred men and women that will manage the Twitter account of one Hugo Rafael Chavez. I scarcely know where to start.

The often misunderstood Venezuelan dictator joined the Twitter nation on April 27th , our year of The Lord 2010 , in what appears to be a deft counter stroke to the emoticon laden insults of his enemies. In less than a month El Presidente Superior's account has skyrocketed top the top of the "followers" charts with 237,000 members. Quickly besting the lone television station (Globovision, 234,000) that still dares voice an opposition to his reign.

See the full story from The Associated Press here.

It should not be surprising that the leader of a country would draw some followers but his meteoric rise to 237,00 followers in a matter of weeks is a bit perplexing. Perhaps it has something to do with the Twitter handle he has chosen. How does "chavezcandanga" strike you ? Personally it scares the crap-spackle right out me. Chavezcandanga ??? Really ? How exactly do you break that down ?

Is it chavez-can-DANGA ? As if he is fully equipped to quote "danga" all over your freedom loving ass , or does it read chavez-CAND-anga ? That would imply that Mr C. has enough "anga" to package it and trade it to the Russians for self esteem pills. Was "hugorocksyourbody" taken already, or am I simply showing off my lack of understanding in regard to popular Venezuelan lexicon ?

Either way it makes me nervous. It promotes a frightening mental image of an over stimulated dictator as he ruthlessly whips his army of tweet-drones (200 strong) into battle.

tweet the deets cavrone !!!!!

Scary, to say the least. Yet H.C.-aka-Big Fluffy, would have us believe that he only hired these two hundred lost souls to deal with the some 54,000 messages his account has received from supporters , critics, and those who simply seek the wisdom that is "chavezcandanga". As well as the physical manifestations of Sean Penn's need to belong.

However , as usual , some of Mr. Chavezs's recent comments on the matter leave more than a little to unravel. When asked why he felt the need to hire what I can only assume is an unprecedented two hundred person Tweet staff , Big Fluffy was heard to say , " I'm creating a team due to the avalanche of requests , and some grievances." .........Indeed sir. Way to toss that last one in there. I'm guessing there are more than "some" grievances involved here.

Like wise he spared a moment to urge supporters to join the cause as he likened Twitter to a " weapon that also needs to be used by the revolution" . Of course he did. After all what good is a thing if it is not judged by it's usefulness as a weapon ? Now I expect this sort of response from this kind of man, but when pressed on the subject , in relation to the many disparaging remarks his account has thus far received El Presidente produced this scholarly gem.

"Some criticise me, others insult me . I don't care. It's a form of contact with the world."

"you heard me"

Uh yes , how very circular of you sir. Once again I am overwhelmed by the simplicity of your logic. How exactly has the world at large survived for so long without a theologian such as yourself ? Leave it to Mount Hugo to wrap an insistent statement in a blanket of absurdity. By this logic the world of Twitter is (as a disconnected athlete would say) what it is. Yet at the same time adding a mere ten or twenty souls to the staff to handle it is as absurd as a corporation making a profit.

By the way thanks again President Obama for that little blooming flower of wisdom. Now is not the time to make profits ? Heaven forbid an American company would make any money in your economy. After all it's a well known fact that the people who actually make money never dump any of it back into the economy. They only donate it to YOUR campaign , or hoard it like dragons.

HANDS OFF ! I'm a union delegate.

At any rate I feel more than a little nervous for the two hundred " aides" to Mr. Chavez's Twitter account. I know it may be tough to find work in your country, especially with that thirty plus percent inflation rate you are striving against, but is this job really worth it ? Are you one hundred percent sure that you are all not destined to become human sacrifices in an ill fated attempt to reanimate Che ?

You should think about that. Lord knows I will.