Ragu Rewind Presents.....2 Old Movies Battle It Out !

Tonight's cinematic death match pits late 1990's marathon " Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil " featuring John Cusak and Kevin Spacey being whipped by director Clint Eastwood , versus one of the many recent flicks starring Gerard Butler . " RocknRolla " The winner will be decided using The Big Ragu 10 Star System as always . LETS GET IT ON !!!!

Round # 1

The five crucial stars , if you want a 10 star rating then you must earn these 5 essential stars.

Midnight earned a star for surpassing the minimum run time of 120 minutes , while RocknRolla fell 5 minutes short. Both movies had an entertaining plot worthy of a star. The epic betrayal went to RocknRolla only on account of pretty Bob tricking Gerard Butler in to gay slow dancing. it's a weak star I know , but there wasn't much to award here. Neither movie produced full frontal nudity or a remarkable explosion.

So after round # 1 the score is deadlocked at 2 -2 . On to round # 2 , the bonus full stars.

Awesome side boob , gratuitous sex , killer special effects , and crazy fight scenes were absent from both movies. RocknRolla however did manage to provide some good comedy and against my better judgement I gave it a star .

The score after 2 rounds is 3 - 2 in favor of RocknRolla. On to the half stars.

Again , fabulous death scenes , awesome sound tracts , epic drug benders , and soon to be historic one liners were not achieved by either show. RocknRolla most certainly has drugs , and both have decent statements , but none were even close to EPIC as I see it .

After round # 3 the score remains 3 - 2 in favor of RocknRolla.

Last round , the 1/4 stars. See the ranking system here .

Much to my extreme disappointment not one 1/4 star was awarded to either movie. The actresses were pretty but not HOT , there were no aliens of any kind , like wise there were no natural disasters , there may have been some political incorrectness in RocknRolla but London-ese jokes are so far below my head I didn't catch them.

Which brings me to the most disappointing thing of all . I did not find even one awesome porn stash or fabulous mullet in either show . Is that even possible ? Four plus hours of cinematicness didn't provide even one of those two things . Really ?

At any rate the final score looks like this ...................

Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil = 2 stars = Mildly amused.....by something

RocknRolla = 3 stars = Mildly amused ....by something

The winner is ......RocknRolla ! by a 3 - 2 score.

Despite the low scores I would like to make it known that I enjoyed both movies. I can't believe that they both scored so poorly. But what can I say ? It's not like I created the scale , and judged both movies by it .

Oh wait .......I did.

Well nuts to me .

Spitting Hot Rythmes ...... Fathers Day Style

Yooooooooooooo

Yo , Yo , Yo ,

Pops - you da tops
when you runnin from da cops

cuz that bus driver got mad
when you popped him in da chops

then you stole his freaking bus
and you didn't make the stops

after all those hippies cried
cuz you burnt down all they crops

just cuz little dealin druggie
came all short up on his drops

and you drove through Little Italy
sreaming screw the freakin WOPS

then you crashed into that brewery
to insult the brewers hops

then you urinated twice
in the box of bottle tops

and the janitors were bummed
cuz you sawed off all da mops

then the good times all went bad
on that episode of Cops

when they caught you overcharging
for those rubber lollipops

Hey wait just a damn minute , my father isn't anything like that at all .

Never mind me , I must be trippin.

Happy Fathers day dad.

RIP -- JOSH KLEIN

I did not know Josh all that well. He has recently departed our world and today was the day of his service. It got to me to thinking about the man.

The first time I ever met Josh he actually gave me one of his favorite pairs of sneakers. Brand new and never used. I don't remember the brand or even the color . I only remember being blown away by a man who would give one of his favorite things away to someone he just met. "Who does that ? " I thought to myself. A person who cares far more for the people in his life than any worldly possession , that's who.

I mean , it was only a pair of kicks but how fucking cool was that ? I literally had not known the man for 5 hours and he gave me something right out of his own damn closet !

That random act of kindness has never left me. On top of that I never had a conversation with Josh in which he failed to make me laugh about one thing or another. Furthermore I don't know anyone who doesn't have a similar story about Josh. As I said , I didn't know him well but I know a lot of same people he does and I can't think of of even one who didn't like him , yet there many times many whom loved him dearly.

If I knew nothing else about the man those things would be more than enough to deserve my admiration and this simple tribute.

So take heart friend Josh. Those who love you most dearly will keep you with them always. A gentle reminder that laughter is golden and that family is forever.

My paltry words could never do you justice sir , yet they are all that I have.

Rest In Peace Josh Klein . You will not be forgotten.

Ragu Rewinds Two Flicks.....TO THE DEATH !!!!

In my latest installment of " RAGU REWINDS THE FLICKS " I have decided to put two random movies up against each other in a cinematic fight to the death. Tonight's death match pits a blockbuster comedy sequel against a shoot em up action thriller. The action should be intense and the commentary ridiculous . Lets get to it .

In the red corner we have Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay . The long awaited sequel to the first installment of weed smoking antics and raunchy jokes.

In the blue corner we have the movie Hit Man starring Timothy Olyphant as a born and raised professional killer. ooooooooooooooooooo scary !!

If you are new and need an explanation of the scoring system you can find it here .

TOO THE SCORECARDS !!!!!!!!!!

# 1 TIME - Both movies are well over the minimum allotted run time of 120 minutes. ( 1 - 1 )
# 2 BETRAYAL - I saw no betrayals in either movie worthy of a star. still ( 1 - 1 )
# 3 EXPLOSION - Harold and Kumar , while enjoyable , was disappointing in it's lack a giant explosion. Hit man on the other hand came through with flying colors. ( 1 - 2 )
# 4 BOOBS - Big winners on both sides here . HITMAN'S Olga Kurylenko is awesome in her frontal nudity and H @ K never fails when it comes to naked breasts. ( 2 - 3 )
# 5 THE PLOT - H @ K didn't bother to try and HIT MAN just didn't make the grade.

And so , after round # 1 , the 5 mandatory stars , the score stands at H @ K with 2 and HIT MAN with 3 . Now we have round 2 . The bonus full stars.

There are 5 bonus full stars available and both movies scored 2 of them . Harold and Kumar scored points for an overly gratuitous sex scene involving a dream sequence 3 way involving a man , a woman , and a giant bag of pot. H @ K also scored a star for comedy that makes you pee a little when you laugh. Most of the movie in fact.

HIT MAN on the other scored an additional full star for an awesome side boob shot . Despite already scoring a star for full frontal , Olga Kurylenko was scantily clad at best throughout and got another star out of it. In addition the fight scenes in this movie were as numerous as they were awesome.

So after round 2 HITMAN still leads . The score is now ( 4 - 5 )

The half star round went to Harold and Kumar. Scoring half-stars for the awesome soundtrack as well as the epic drug use. Neil Patrick Harris's mushroom trip was an added bonus to the constant pot smoking.

HITMAN only managed one half star for the many gruesome deaths it provided.

The score is now ( 5 - 5.5 ) still in favor of HITMAN.

Again the scoring is explained here .

Now , to decide the matter , we move to the last scoring segment. The quarter stars.

HITMAN did not do so well here. It was a serious-ish movie that didn't sport a whole lot of cinematic stupidity. Scoring only one 1/4 star for a hot actress. Olga again. I do believe that she has scored the majority of this movies stars ! Good for her.

HAROLD AND KUMAR on the other hand was designed for sophomoric entertainment and did a little better. They also received a 1/4 star for a hot actress. Hey , they were good looking girls "acting" in a movie. It still counts. But H @ K verily excelled in the categories of political incorrectness as well as racial slurs . Of which there were many times many.

THE DECISION

HAROLD AND KUMAR = 5.75 STARS = Oh man this is getting good !

HIT MAN = 5.75 STARS = Oh man this is getting good !

Wait ....what ? Are you kidding me ? My very first movie battle using my new scale resulted in a tie ? Oh for the love of crap !! What are the chances ?

Well as creator of this stupidity I feel compelled to levy a decision on the matter.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

This is tough , but , considering the amount of exposed breasts , there very easily could have been an additional star for "side" boob. Even though ALL the boobs in this flick were full , it is the only deciding factor I can find.

AND THE WINNER IS .........................

Harold and Kumar escape from Guantanimo Bay !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congratulations boys you win nothing.

Recent flicks to be RE-WINDED ..........on.

As you may or may not know , I have recently created my very own movie rating scale. In the interest of fairness I will not be rating movies from memory. (no , not even mine) So you will no doubt see many movies that are obviously old . Get over it. This is why the scale will be fun. Rehashing old classics as well as historic loads of cinematic crap.

and so , thanks to NetFlix I give you some thoughts . And some scores of course.

WANTED = 4.75 = SWEET !!!

Up first is WANTED staring Angelina Jolie , Morgan Freeman and some young dueschington named ....................well I think it was dueschington. Anyway Jolie looks good despite only spending about one nano second in the buff. Freeman of course is his usual mix of old timey wisdom and underlying evil. But despite the fact that they can all shoot bullets around a corner from the top of moving train and pull off dastardly sniper head shots from across town , this movie was fairly enjoyable.

It was outrageous pretty much from the start and in doing so it removes most of those "that could never happen" responses and allowed you to just say " CAAAA-BLAMMO!! " or whatever you say when somebodies face explodes in slow motion. I say cablamo.

I enjoyed the plot , as well as the 1000-rat army explosion and the betrayal that got young dueshington to kill his own father was nice . That was good for 3 of the 5 major stars. When it comes to bonus stars however I was a little stingy. Awarding only 1 3/4 stars. One for the fight scenes , a half for gruesome deaths and a quarter for the super hot actress.

There was a sex scene , but I did not deem it gratuitous enough to earn a star.

EXTRACT = 1.50 = MAKING OUT IN THE BACK OF THE THEATER BAD

Then we ran into a real gem by the name of EXTRACT. Wow this flick put the bottom end of my new scale to the test in a hurry. This surprised me a little considering how much I love Mila Kunis . AND I DO ! Seriously , what's not to love ? She's from Siberia , she lied about her age to get her first acting job and she readily admits that she loves to play the role of a total bitch. Oh yeah and there is also this.................

beauty is in the eyes............of my face

But alas , despite my undying love for Mila , this movie was hard pressed to score a point at all. Being as generous as I could I awarded one star for comedy ( when dude got his left nut blown off) and a quarter star for HOT ACTRESS as well as a quarter star for a mullet. That was it I'm afraid. I kind of can not believe how a movie that I didn't hate at all scored so low. It's just that everything was so mediocre. Not even a side boob.

It was a combination of yawns and half assed dirty jokes. Weak , but not insultingly so . Wish I could have scored it higher.

More to come as Ragu Rewinds The Flicks.

THE BIG RAGU 10 STAR MOVIE RANKING SYSTEM

Hello readers . All 4 of you . I have long been against the tried and true 4 star movie ranking system. Most of us are I believe . There are several bazillion movie rating systems based on stars these days. Thank you very much Internet. I'm sure many of them are outstanding too, but as I clearly don't give two craps about any of them I have devised my own system.

The problem with the traditional 4 star system is that it leaves no room for the many bad-ass things that happen in crappy movies. Likewise it leaves no room to differentiate between two great movies. Or even two really good movies. How can you know what the best movie ever was? There are hundreds and hundreds of 4 star flicks.

Conversely there must be several billion crappy ass films that receive 1 star just so they can be shown on network television I assume. Just saying to yourself "well that stunk" is not a good enough reason to award a movie 1 star. Likewise there are many times many really good movies that just don't quite make it to that fourth star. But is every "kinda awesome" movie a 3 ? I think not.




My system , new and unrefined as it is , is a little different than most. First of all it is a 10 star scoring system. Secondly it is nearly (probably) impossible to score a perfect 10. I do not believe I have ever seen the perfect movie. As you will soon come to understand. Many movies are totally awesome , but the perfect movie would have to include ALL the things we love in a movie. Also despite the many ways there are to score points , my scale is harsh.

pictured---harsh

It's a two part scoring system for one.................part. Part one expounds upon the original 4 stars with a ..................wait for it ..........................5 STARS !!!!!!!!!!

Yeah , you heard me . These are the 5 basic components I would use in a 5 star system. Awesome plots, horrible betrayals, fantastic explosions , full frontal nudity and a 120 minute minimum run time. You absolutely must have these 5 things to even have a chance at a perfect score. It is non negotiable. These five requirements can be explained here .

After that I have contrived an extensive list of partial scoring. Full stars, half stars,and even quarter stars. Such things as comedy that makes you pee when you laugh (1 star) and epic drug trips (half star), are but a few examples. Also , less awesome cinematic events can still be awarded a quarter star. They have little to do with a great movie but are surely point worthy. Awesome aliens and dubious porn stashes are a few examples.

sir ......you have it all. and a quarter star

But in the second part of the scoring system you can only achieve a total of 5 stars. Yes , Yes , math geek I understand that the second part of my scoring system (in it's current format) appears to have a total of 8 and one half stars. But I set the limit a 5 because I am not a complete goob. The combination of side boob, hot actresses, and porn stashes could make any porno a 10 star movie. We just can't have that.

So to achieve the perfect 10 stars you must first earn all 5 of the required full stars and then also score any combination of 5 bonus stars. It is not as easy as it may sound.

My favorite movie of all time is Goodfellas. A classic to put all others to shame. Even it only scores a 9 on my scale. And that's IF , and only IF, I give the full "awesome explosion star" to the car fires that a youthful Henry Hill starts in the first half hour. Not even the Star Wars movies score that high. Although they could if princess Leah was ever topless. Just for one second. But she is not , therefore a 9 is the highest score they can achieve.

And so I remind you , this is a harsh scale. Considering how big an industry movies are , shouldn't it be ? So don't be depressed if some of your favorite flicks don't even come close to a 10. Hell , I freggin love me some Die Hard but on my scale it only scores a 6 and 1/4. That's actually really good by my reckoning. Here are the results of my scale.

• 0 stars------------------i died a little just now
• 0-1 stars------------------i kinda cant believe I just watched that
• 1-1.5 stars------------------making out in the back of the theater
• 1.6-3 stars------------------mildly amused ....by something
• 3-4 stars------------------not bad ! i would watch it again !
• 4-5 stars------------------sweet !!!
• 5-6 stars----------------- oh man , this is getting good
• 6-7 stars------------------oh snap ! didn't see that coming
• 7-8 stars------------------wow , that rocked my gray matter
• 8-9 stars------------------I will never stop talking about this
• 9-9.5 stars------------------i have seen history
• 9.6-10 stars----------------- now , I can die happy

So go forth and watch the crap that Hollywood does produce. Enjoy the mind numbing repetitiveness of it all . And remember , I will be always be scoring it on my ridiculous , drunken , 10 star movie rating scale

YOU CAN SEE THE BIG RAGU'S MOVIE RANKING SCALE HERE

AND YOU CAN SEE THE MOVIES I HAVE WATCHED SINCE I CREATED IT HERE .